Don't Ask Me Why?

I've noticed something about me.  This I have noticed only a few times in my life.  During  intense periods in my life I have a tendency to clean out my material possessions.

The first recollection of this I have is when the problem started during my first marriage.  I remember washing every pair of panties I owned.  Every bra and every night gown.  I did this when Michael said he no longer loved me and wanted to end our marriage.  He actually told me I disgusted him.  Even though I hung on to the marriage for as long as I could and refused to divorce him.  Finally, I moved out of the apartment we shared together into another one.  He moved home.  I stayed in that apartment for about a year. I was an emotional wreck.  I stopped eating and became weak.  It was a bad situation all around.  I ended up moving home.  Sold most of everything I owned.  I could care less what the stuff was worth.  I just wanted to be done with the memories.  The memories were too much to bare.  I hurt too much.

The second time I did anything similiar to that was when my Grandfather died.  I had just delivered my son, Gary.  He was exactly one month old when my Grandfather died.  Grandpa died in Florida.  Mom was up in NY to help me.  I wasn't able to go to Grandpa's funeral.  To me, my Grandpa was wonderful.  He might not have been, but I never saw anything but wonderful.  I got a call from my Uncle Bob saying....."He thought Grandpa was dead"  What a phone call to get!  I didn't know the circumstances then but later I found out that they had revived him at home and he had died again.  I think that is what happened.  My memory is fuzzy.  Anyway, Mom left to go back to Florida.  I was left to grieve here in NY.  My purging my possessions was my way to deal with the grief I was going through.  Big black industrial garbage bags were all over my apartment filled to capacity. 

I did it again on Sunday.  Had a garage sale.  These last few months I have been feeling very sad.  Very empty.  Quite lost.  Too much weight on my frail shoulders.  I had the kids put just about everything out on the driveway to be sold. Then donated a lot of the stuff to charity.  Not everything but most of it. Christina was getting upset with me because if someone would look at the price and put something down I would yell out from my chair in the background......... "You can have that for $1.00 or I would say 5 of those for $10.00."  Stuff that was worth way more than that.  It's a good thing I got tired and dizzy and had to go in and sleep.

Some people shop to fill emptiness, some do other things...... I purge my possessions.  And, I like the emptiness of the house.  I like the cleanliness. Don't ask me why.  I suppose there is some psychological explanation.  But, I really don't want to know what it is.