Friday, October 29, 2004

Don't Ask Me Why?

I've noticed something about me.  This I have noticed only a few times in my life.  During  intense periods in my life I have a tendency to clean out my material possessions.

The first recollection of this I have is when the problem started during my first marriage.  I remember washing every pair of panties I owned.  Every bra and every night gown.  I did this when Michael said he no longer loved me and wanted to end our marriage.  He actually told me I disgusted him.  Even though I hung on to the marriage for as long as I could and refused to divorce him.  Finally, I moved out of the apartment we shared together into another one.  He moved home.  I stayed in that apartment for about a year. I was an emotional wreck.  I stopped eating and became weak.  It was a bad situation all around.  I ended up moving home.  Sold most of everything I owned.  I could care less what the stuff was worth.  I just wanted to be done with the memories.  The memories were too much to bare.  I hurt too much.

The second time I did anything similiar to that was when my Grandfather died.  I had just delivered my son, Gary.  He was exactly one month old when my Grandfather died.  Grandpa died in Florida.  Mom was up in NY to help me.  I wasn't able to go to Grandpa's funeral.  To me, my Grandpa was wonderful.  He might not have been, but I never saw anything but wonderful.  I got a call from my Uncle Bob saying....."He thought Grandpa was dead"  What a phone call to get!  I didn't know the circumstances then but later I found out that they had revived him at home and he had died again.  I think that is what happened.  My memory is fuzzy.  Anyway, Mom left to go back to Florida.  I was left to grieve here in NY.  My purging my possessions was my way to deal with the grief I was going through.  Big black industrial garbage bags were all over my apartment filled to capacity. 

I did it again on Sunday.  Had a garage sale.  These last few months I have been feeling very sad.  Very empty.  Quite lost.  Too much weight on my frail shoulders.  I had the kids put just about everything out on the driveway to be sold. Then donated a lot of the stuff to charity.  Not everything but most of it. Christina was getting upset with me because if someone would look at the price and put something down I would yell out from my chair in the background......... "You can have that for $1.00 or I would say 5 of those for $10.00."  Stuff that was worth way more than that.  It's a good thing I got tired and dizzy and had to go in and sleep.

Some people shop to fill emptiness, some do other things...... I purge my possessions.  And, I like the emptiness of the house.  I like the cleanliness. Don't ask me why.  I suppose there is some psychological explanation.  But, I really don't want to know what it is.

 

 

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

"We spend half of our lives accumulating things, and then the other half giving them away." Andrew Carnegie
You cleaning out stuff makes perfect sense Lu. Looks like you are preparing for a mental/emotional cleaning out the house as you continue to grow in spirit... and when that happens we need to reflect that change in our physical lives.
I hope you are getting the rest you need post-garage sale! Love, Loretta

Anonymous said...

Lu dear, I periodically clean out junk or things I don't use or need, but I've never gotten rid of everything!  Wow I am impressed that you can do it, dear.  And it must serve a purpose for you.
Tidying the surroundings is a good way to manifest interior tidying of the mind, spirit and heart.
loving you
karyl

Anonymous said...

great entry. wish i had some advice for you.

Lahoma

Anonymous said...

Lu, I am very much like you in this sense. I see no need to hang onto material things. Jimmy is just the opposite. I've given him the task of getting rid of 75% of the things that were in his parents attic. I'll have to take a picture and send it to you. Our entire spare bedroom is full of things that he has collected over the years. I don't get it.

Love and hugs~~~~~~~~~