Sunday, April 11, 2004

Today is Easter!!

That's my smile.  You see it.  I walk around all the time with that smile.  Everyone tells me I have to have one of those on my face.  So for everyone else I have practiced it.  Its the old me that everyone else wants to see.   But, I have a secret.  My own secret.  There is really no smile on my face. Oh its there for others to see, but I don't want to smile.  I'm not sad or anything.  Nor am I depressed.  I am just so tired.  Lupus has made me tired.  So has all the other things this past year has brought me.  These last few months have been the worst.  I am still trying to get use to all of this.  I know that I have Lupus and Lupus is not me. But, its still all new to me.  Especially when every time I turn around something new is happening.  I also know that my loved ones mean well when they tell me I need to concentrate on other things besides my Lupus.  And, as hard as I am trying it is so very hard to do.  With fatigue and pain as a constant reminder.  Like I said I am tired.  I try to do the things I used to do and I can't.  How can I be the "Old LuAnne" everyone do desparately wants back?