Saturday, December 16, 2006

You guys are just wonderful.  Thank you so much for your words of support and comfort.  Your prayers for me have been answered.  The lump on my breast is some kind of fatty tumor.  The sore (which is healing now) turned out to be some sort of cyst.  It just so happens that when I injured myself it was on the exact spot that I had a cyst.  So, that is why it looked so ugly and because of my prednisione and immunosuppressant use, it took such a long time to heal.

I am so happy.  It is such a weight off my mind.  I wasn't handling this well, I was very afraid.  Now, I am so thankful.  God answers prayers.  What better time than right before the celebration of His birth.

Mom is coming up for Christmas, I am so happy.  She will be here on Monday.  I'm going to take a trip to the airport with our friend Pat.  He is coming with me for moral support.  It's not a very long drive but I can't do it alone.  Maybe he will drive.  That would be even better.

We are going to have a wonderful and quiet Christmas.  We will stay home.  I'm going to put up a huge gravy (for the non Italians - tomato sauce).  I am going to pull out all the stops.  I will be be putting sausage, meat balls, pieces of beef and pork and braccoli.  This gravy will need to cook for hours but, if I must say so myself, I make a good gravy and the effort is worth it.  We'll probably have stuffed shells or manicottis.  Maybe even lasagna.  Since Mom will be here we will be making three colored cookies.  They are made with almond paste.  Maybe even a ricotta cheese cake.  I am so excited.

Most of my shopping is done.  I shopped online this year.  Tonight Gary and I will go over to the shopping center.  There is a Target there and I just have to pick up a few odds and ends.  Then we will go to Home Depot.  I'm going to buy a new area rug for the living room.  But first we will stop at Applebee's for dinner.

This entry is much better than my last few.  I am pretty happy and looking forward to the holiday.

Again, I want to thank you all.  Your comments and emails really lifted my spirits.

Thank you so much.


Monday, December 11, 2006


I'm trying not to let my emotions run away with me.  But I am having a hard time of it.  Life just can't be normal.  How I wish for a simple existence without any complications.  I'm scheduled for a momography and ultrasound on Thursday morning.  Aside from the wound on my breast, I've found a lump.  Keep me in your prayers.

Monday, December 4, 2006

Who would want to be around me lately? I wouldn't if I had the choice.

It's been a very emotional couple of weeks for me.  As I begin to realize that I have limitations.  I am trying very hard to accept this.

I had to go to my primary care doctor on Friday because I have a wound on my breast that just won't heal.  I've had it for just about three months now. I injured myself (don't laugh) by getting my breast caught between two laundry baskets. THREE TIMES Two of them were on the same exact spot and this is the wound that is not healing.  My doctor said I needed to get to see the breast surgeon right away, so I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon.  The wound is very ugly. Raw.  It's like a quarter sized crater.  It's oozing clear liquid.  He said that most likely it's because of the steroids and immunosuppressants that I am taking that is hindering the healing process.  Boy does it hurt.

I was also told that I have a heart murmur.  Apparently it's been there all the while.  But, he wants a echo cardiogram done just to check it out.

As the phrase goes....... I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED.  It's gotten so that I cannot walk up the stairs without gasping for air.  And, when I settle down I have a hard time regaining a good breathing pattern.  It's not my lungs, they are clear.  He believes its the murmur.  Thus, his request that I get an echo.

My legs are causing me a lot of grief.  Horrid pain mostly in my right leg.  From hip to toe.  When I get up from a sitting or laying position and try to walk it's worse and I actually feel like I have to drag that leg.  Just the motion of walking makes me weak.  So I am breathless and in pain.  Nice combo.

I've been reading all the new journal events that come my way and I feel very jealous of most of you.  Your journals are filled with joy.  Mine is filled with woe.  I wish it was different. There is nothing interesting to write about.  For my days are all the same.  I get up in the morning and each day is the same as the day before.  I have become afraid to go out. Any attempt at shopping or lunching with friends leaves me devastated because I end up sweating from my head to my waist.  I dread it that I have to get in the shower.  That simple act drains me for the entire day. After only a few moments I have to look for something to hold on to.  I guess it's time to install hand rails.

I walk with a cane.  I have a prescription for a walker but haven't gone to get one yet.  I keep thinking, what's after the walker?  A wheelchair?

I am so sorry that my entries are so bleak lately. Maybe once we get the Christmas tree and the presents are laid out underneath it my mood will improve.

Can you believe that I am going to turn 50 next year.  I think part of my somber mood is because I have lost a childhood friend.  Not by death, but by her choice.  She simply said that she has lost interest in me.  It's been almost two years since I have spoken to her.  We were born a week apart.  We should be turning 50 together, but I am left missing her.  I wonder if she ever thinks of what happened.  Or if she misses me as much as I miss her?

Our lives change.  We have no control over most of it.  I am feeling very lost and isolated.  I want so much to get myself out of feeling like this, but I just don't know how.