It's been a very emotional couple of weeks for me. As I begin to realize that I have limitations. I am trying very hard to accept this.
I had to go to my primary care doctor on Friday because I have a wound on my breast that just won't heal. I've had it for just about three months now. I injured myself (don't laugh) by getting my breast caught between two laundry baskets. THREE TIMES Two of them were on the same exact spot and this is the wound that is not healing. My doctor said I needed to get to see the breast surgeon right away, so I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. The wound is very ugly. Raw. It's like a quarter sized crater. It's oozing clear liquid. He said that most likely it's because of the steroids and immunosuppressants that I am taking that is hindering the healing process. Boy does it hurt.
I was also told that I have a heart murmur. Apparently it's been there all the while. But, he wants a echo cardiogram done just to check it out.
As the phrase goes....... I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED. It's gotten so that I cannot walk up the stairs without gasping for air. And, when I settle down I have a hard time regaining a good breathing pattern. It's not my lungs, they are clear. He believes its the murmur. Thus, his request that I get an echo.
My legs are causing me a lot of grief. Horrid pain mostly in my right leg. From hip to toe. When I get up from a sitting or laying position and try to walk it's worse and I actually feel like I have to drag that leg. Just the motion of walking makes me weak. So I am breathless and in pain. Nice combo.
I've been reading all the new journal events that come my way and I feel very jealous of most of you. Your journals are filled with joy. Mine is filled with woe. I wish it was different. There is nothing interesting to write about. For my days are all the same. I get up in the morning and each day is the same as the day before. I have become afraid to go out. Any attempt at shopping or lunching with friends leaves me devastated because I end up sweating from my head to my waist. I dread it that I have to get in the shower. That simple act drains me for the entire day. After only a few moments I have to look for something to hold on to. I guess it's time to install hand rails.
I walk with a cane. I have a prescription for a walker but haven't gone to get one yet. I keep thinking, what's after the walker? A wheelchair?
I am so sorry that my entries are so bleak lately. Maybe once we get the Christmas tree and the presents are laid out underneath it my mood will improve.
Can you believe that I am going to turn 50 next year. I think part of my somber mood is because I have lost a childhood friend. Not by death, but by her choice. She simply said that she has lost interest in me. It's been almost two years since I have spoken to her. We were born a week apart. We should be turning 50 together, but I am left missing her. I wonder if she ever thinks of what happened. Or if she misses me as much as I miss her?
Our lives change. We have no control over most of it. I am feeling very lost and isolated. I want so much to get myself out of feeling like this, but I just don't know how.
Posts
12 comments:
Hugs, my dear friend. You may feel your journal is filled with woe, but I see a woman that is strong and ever fighting. You are amazing. You do what you need to do and you do find pleasure in small things. Sometimes the small things are better. I bet you appreciate things that most of us pass by without ever noticing.
You are an amazing person and deserve a gentle hug from a friend.
{{{{{Gentle Hugs for you}}}}}
Deb
"My legs are causing me a lot of grief. Horrid pain mostly in my right leg. From hip to toe. When I get up from a sitting or laying position and try to walk it's worse and I actually feel like I have to drag that leg. Just the motion of walking makes me weak. So I am breathless and in pain. Nice combo."
((LU))
Please have the Dr check that leg for blocked artery.What youa re descirbing is what I had for over 4 yars of them telling me it's an Ortho problem, it's a Podierty problem, etc. etc.
YET! Each of those visits states "no heartbeat could be detected in the right ankle'.
I had went through every MRI, Cat Scan looking for an Ortho problem! It was not, it was my artery was blocked!
(Remember I am a smoker too)
PLEASE run this by your Dr.
If the pain subsides when you stop walking or sit down, I can almost promise you that is what is going on.
AS for all your other health problems Lu, you know I'll keep youu in my prayers. Hang in there girl.
I'm always here if you need to talk.
Love Kathy
Lu, sometimes life is so *%#&ing unfair! Coming face to face with one's limitations is one of the most painful things that can happen to anyone..You have every right to feel however you feel, and to write about it alll you want.
I think you are showing both courage and grace in a situation that most would find unimaginable. And often "friends" don't get it at all. I am so sorry about your childhood friend, that must be terribly painful. She is flat out wrong to have abandoned you.
I don't have lupus, but I want to tell you to that going from a cane to a walker has been wonderful for me. I got one with four wheels. breaks, a basket and a seat-and I went for the bright blue one (I considered the bright red one til I saw the blue one). Then I held my head up high and took her for a spin in the neighborhood. It has helped me so much. When I get tired, I have seat to rest one. So I recommend one highly.
Good luck with all the doctor's appointments.
Margo
Lu-Anne,
I think it's cruel and selfish of your 'friend' - is she a real friend to walk out on you at a time when you need her most? Take the liberty of answering that with a big fat NO. You're not the only one journaling about physical frailties &c. It's not boring, and we're here to offer if only moral support.
Erm, how do you get your bosoms caught in the laundry basket? Hope it does heal soon, because wounds that don't heal are NOT a laughing matter.
Please continue to write, you're not boring your readers.
Guido
Oh Luanne... I relate. It is so hard. I have two tiny round cuts on my boob that have been forever in healing...lol - a funny thing to have in common.
About the walker, get the rollator. It has a seat too. Don't look at it as a bad thing... look at it as a tool to give you more independence and improve things. Okay?
As for your friend... that is so hard... I can't believe that, after all the years together... so sad. But her loss... and someday she will realize it. I have lost a friend thanks to this 'crap' I have too. It sucks.
be well and know you are always in my prayers,
Dawn
Oh so sorry you are feeling so badly, hope you get good news on your breast injury dear and they can help you with the healing of it. I have an Echo done yearly as I have some heart problems, so if you have never had this test, don't worry about it, I usually take a quick nap while the heart monitoring test is checking my heart out. If it is a murmur, you can take some meds to help that dear like I do.
Sorry you aren't in the holiday mood, that's understandable and I hope once you get your Doctor appointments taken care of, you'll be able to enjoy it more. As for missing our friend, hey miracles happen all the time. Send her a Chritmas card and let her know you are thinking of her. Who knows, you may just get a card back that gets you both back together.
Try not to worry about what tomorrow brings dear, all it does is put you in a downer mood. None of us know about tomorrow so try to enjoy today dear. It's what I do and keeps me enjoying this day. Bless you....Arlene (AJ)
((((((((((Lu)))))))))))) I wish I had magic words to help. I wish you could feel these gentle hugs across the miles that separate us. I hope and pray you can feel the love from all of us who respond to this entry.
loving you
karyl
Oh, Lu, it has been so long since we just chatted and I miss you so. I am so sorry that this flare is just continuing. I do hope you are able to get some much deserved relief soon.
Love you,
Susan
journals.aol.com/rainbowmoonbeam2/thelifeandtimesofarainbow - my latest j-land creation.
LuAnne-I am not going to write much since this is a public journal. I, too, am chronically ill but not with Lupus. Email me sometime and we can chat. IM or email or whatever. I will share some "stuff" about me and maybe can help you. I am not a quack, I am not selling anything, just friendship. If you know Marla AM309 I think she can tell you I am for real. Hugs! Jodi sistomax@aol.com
I remember you writing about your friend one other time...losing friends are hard...and it hurts...I will be praying for God to touch you and give you relief! Hang in there my friend I know you are hurting and down! Know there are so many of use who care and pray for you! Hugs,TerryAnn
Sent over by Guido. My prayers will be with you. I know how it feel to have medical problems I have alot. I was also told in July that I had breast cancer. Had it removed. Decided not to do chemo right now. I will be rececked in Feb to see if they got it all. I pray they did.
Sunny
You do have so much to contend with right now. I hope you will be able to find some comfort somehow. Lupis seems like such a strange disease. A number of people in my cousin's mother's side of the family appear to have inherited it. His wife thinks he has it, too. Just want you to know we are there and have come to check on how you are doing. Gerry
Post a Comment