Monday, December 27, 2004

Such is the life of me

Good Morning.  I don't have much to write today.  Haven't been feeling all that wonderful.  I've been having diarrhea for the past 2 weeks.  (Yeah, lovely isn't it?)  I was hoping it would go away on it's own so I didn't say anything or want to call my doctor.  I had to call yesterdaybecause over the past few days it has become bloody.  Actually I tried my gastro first but he was not on call and some other doctor in the service was but he didn't call back.  So I tried my primary.  He called back.  He said he thought I was having a bout of diverticolitis.  (I've had this a number of times before.) But was hesitant to prescribe anything over the phone because he was going on vacation and wouldn't be here to follow me, especially with my medical history.  He wanted me to go to the ER.  I refused.  I told him I didn't want to sit there.  Okay, he said.  He told me to go to this place that was open on Sunday.  Long story short..... (LOL) I did.  This doctor there prescribed Lomitril for the diarrhea.  The doctor was more interested in my history of Lupus and APS.  Of course, he knew all about it.  Lucky me.  I've been taking this med since last night.  No bowel movements since last night.  But, I can feel cramping going on.  So we will see.  I still have pain in my lower left groin.  It's not horrid pain.  I can function.  I haven't had to take any pain meds.  We shall see.  Such is the life of me.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Twas the Night Before Jesus Came

                       Twas the Night Before Jesus Came

Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house
Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.
Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care
In hopes that Jesus would not come there.

The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap
Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.
When out of the east there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.

With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray
I knew in a moment this must be THE DAY!
The light of His face made me cover my head
It was Jesus returning just like He said
And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.
In the Book of Life which He held in his hand,
Was written the name of every saved man.
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name;
When He said, "It's not here" my head hung in shame.
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to His Father above.
With those who were ready He rose without a sound
While all the rest of us were left standing around.
I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
I had waited too long and thus sealed my fate.
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;
The coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There's only one life and when comes the last call,
We'll find that the Bible was true after all!

Copyright 1984 Bethany Farms

And tonight I will be celebrating Christmas Eve with my husband's family and friends.  It will be lovely.  The children will be around their family. There will be fellowship. I will be happy because I will be thanking God for sending his son for me and for you.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
   For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. 
   He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

John 3:16-18

Have a Blessed Christmas and

a Joyous New Year!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Some of the graphics in my journal

Isn't that beautiful?  These beautiful graphics and animations are being made for me by Princes Cher


The majority of the graphics are from Princess Cher.  Check out her site.  Graphics By Princess Cher  She makes the most beautiful graphics I have ever seen.  Thank you Cher for making them especially for me.

Monday, December 20, 2004


The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.


Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old, having just been presented with a new puppy."Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room just wait.” That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.               "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.  It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life.” Old age is like a bank account:you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the Bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing. Remember the five simple rules to be happy:



       1. Free your heart from hatred.
       2. Free your mind from worries.
       3. Live simply.
       4. Give more.
       5. Expect less

Saturday, December 18, 2004


Good Night Everyone in J Land........

I am ready for bed, even though I have been laying on the couch sleeping on and off for most of the evening. 

 It's time to get myself to bed.  Tomorrow is another day. 

Christmas Shopping

Okay, I did a very unusual thing today.

 I should have my head examined. 

What was I thinking?

 I mean it's not like every other person in the world was doing this same exact thing today. 

It's not as if what I did was the most unusual thing in the world.

 Yup I did it I went...................



I shopped for a whole 1 hour and 30 minutes.  I was in KMart for 90 minutes.  I knew I was headed for trouble after the first 30 mintues when I started to break out in a sweat.  After the second 30 mintues I was ready to pass out.  I tried to push myself for another 30 minutes.  But, I couldn't do much more.  It became impossible for me to think clearly.  My body was not cooperating.  While I was waiting on the check out line to pay I had to hold on to my wagon to prevent myself from falling over.  My hands were trembling. I could feel my legs becoming wobbly.  My footing was insecure.  All my mind and body wanted to do was get home.  Get home and get into bed. 

I felt angry at myself. 

 Aggravated at my body. 

Infuriated that I disobeyed advice and went alone. 

 But most importantly I was enraged at Lupus. 

 I stood on that line and remembered times that I was able to do things at a marathon pace.  I could do my Christmas shopping.  Cook the Christmas Eve Dinner. Work and take care of my family and home.  And, still have enough energy left to enjoy my life.  Theselast two years Christmas Eve dinner has been a fiasco because of my illness.  So much in my life has changed at the hands of my enemy Lupus. 

I knew as I stood on that line that I would spend the rest of the day (and possibly more than one day) tired, or worse. I could feel my cheeks burning.  When I got home I slept for four hours.  I am now sick.  My body aches.  No words can describe it.  Who know three years ago that a simple shopping trip would be so toilsome.  That my inner substance would be marred so by Lupus that the mere act of Christmas shopping would throw my now unsubstantial body into such a trauma.  During times like this I feel impuissant.  Unable to regulate the course of my own life.

I needed to do this.  Why?  Because I wanted gifts underneath our Christmas tree this year.  Gifts for my children.  I needed to watch them open gifts. 

Would I do this again?  You bet!!! I'm going again tomorrow.  This time not alone.  It's Christmas and my children no matter how grown up they seem should have presents under the tree to open up on Christmas morning while I sit on the couch with my coffee and smile proudly. 

I have time to be sick.  After all, I'm sick all year long. 



Friday, December 17, 2004


We love it. 

And, it makes our house feel Christmassy. 

So, I would like to share it with you. 

 Here is our Christmas Tree 2004.



The outside of our house decorated for Christmas.  My son, Gary, did the outside.  My daughter, Christina, did the windows.  As soon as we get a picture of the tree I will put in in my journal......... Here's the house from the outside......

So I just wanted to wish every one..........


I have included these Tapestry lyrics by Carole King before in my journal before, but need to include them again!


Carole King

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue

An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view

A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold

A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold

Once amid the soft silver sadness in the sky

There came a man of fortune, a drifter passing by

He wore a torn and tattered cloth around his leathered hide

And a coat of many colors, yellow-green on either side

He moves with some uncertainty, as if he didn't know

Just what he was there for, or where he ought to go

Once he reached for something golden hanging from a tree

And his hands come down empty

Soon within my tapestry along the rutted road

He sat down on a river rock and turned into a toad

It seemed that he had fallen into someone's wicked spell

And I wept to see him suffer, tough I didn't know him well

As I watched in sorrow, there suddenly appeared

A figure gray and ghostly beneath a flowing beard

In times of deepest darkness, I've seen him dressed in black

Now my tapestry's unraveling; he's come to take me back

He's came to take me back  

Thursday, December 16, 2004

What other choice do I have?

I'm sorry.  I just can't do it today.  I cannot do all the things that everyone expects of me today.  I'm supposed to clean up around here.  I'm supposed to do the laundry.  I'm supposed to do the food shopping.  Meanwhile, I can't seem to get myself together.  I am feeling feeble in a world that has so much steam.  As I look around here and see the activity which is exhibited by my family members. I am sad.  Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that my children are living their lives.  It's the natural occurance of things.  They are growing up.  I lament for myself only at times like this when my body lacks force.  When my body is inadequate and ineffective.  And, I have a great sense of guilt.  We need to eat, yet I am unable to shop for our food.  If I were to muster up enough energy to shop it would be impossible for me to prepare the meal.  Or, if I were to tidy up our home, again I would lack the ability to do much else.  And, so on.  how do I find the ability to prioritize?  Just the mental thought process associated with things like that tires me out. Lupus is a vampire robbing me of my energy. Both physical and mental energy.  I struggle to find the right word to explain how I feel.  There is no such word.  I am simply tired.  I will shower, that I need to do.  Then I will go on from there.  What other choice do I have?

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Yesterday was my son, Gary’s, birthday. He turned 19.  It seems like I just woke up and he was a little boy.  Now he is almost man. My boy is becoming a man.  He's a good kid.  Very kind and considerate.  Oh, don't get me wrong he has his days when he has an attiitude.  They all do.  Because even in his 6'2" frame he is still a child.  He often thinks that he knows everything.  Yes, he knows a lot.  He is a very smart boy. But he still has a lot to learn about life.  And that will only come with experience. He takes very good care me.  He tries to make sure that I am comfortable when I am not feeling well.  My son is very in tune with how I am feeling.  There is a special bond between sons and mothers.  I am very proud of him.  His father and I are very proud of him. Happy Birthday my first born.  I wish you joy and happiness in your what ever you chose for your life.  I pray that with the guidance of Our Lord you make the right decisions in your life.  I love you very much my child.

Monday, December 13, 2004



Krissy's Journal (Sometimes I Think) this morning .......... "Monday Morning Question" asked.........

What is the worst physical pain you have ever been in?

Krissy asked a really interesting question.  She has Fibromylagia.  That causes so much pain for Krissy. I also have Fibro as well as Lupus (well you've read about it all).  I actually can't pinpoint a particular point where I was in the worst physical pain.  Like Krissy when I flare my entire body is in horrid physical pain.

  Last night I had a really bad emotional night. 

 This morning I am feeling it physically.  For me it starts with a general feeling of physical unwellness with a full feeling in my head.  My joints and muscles are aching and I am just very tired.  I'm starting a flare and I'm not happy about it.  today.

 It's 12 days until Christmas and going into a flare is not a good thing............