Okay, I did a very unusual thing today.
I should have my head examined.
What was I thinking?
I mean it's not like every other person in the world was doing this same exact thing today.
It's not as if what I did was the most unusual thing in the world.
Yup I did it I went...................
"CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING"
I shopped for a whole 1 hour and 30 minutes. I was in KMart for 90 minutes. I knew I was headed for trouble after the first 30 mintues when I started to break out in a sweat. After the second 30 mintues I was ready to pass out. I tried to push myself for another 30 minutes. But, I couldn't do much more. It became impossible for me to think clearly. My body was not cooperating. While I was waiting on the check out line to pay I had to hold on to my wagon to prevent myself from falling over. My hands were trembling. I could feel my legs becoming wobbly. My footing was insecure. All my mind and body wanted to do was get home. Get home and get into bed.
I felt angry at myself.
Aggravated at my body.
Infuriated that I disobeyed advice and went alone.
But most importantly I was enraged at Lupus.
I stood on that line and remembered times that I was able to do things at a marathon pace. I could do my Christmas shopping. Cook the Christmas Eve Dinner. Work and take care of my family and home. And, still have enough energy left to enjoy my life. Theselast two years Christmas Eve dinner has been a fiasco because of my illness. So much in my life has changed at the hands of my enemy Lupus.
I knew as I stood on that line that I would spend the rest of the day (and possibly more than one day) tired, or worse. I could feel my cheeks burning. When I got home I slept for four hours. I am now sick. My body aches. No words can describe it. Who know three years ago that a simple shopping trip would be so toilsome. That my inner substance would be marred so by Lupus that the mere act of Christmas shopping would throw my now unsubstantial body into such a trauma. During times like this I feel impuissant. Unable to regulate the course of my own life.
I needed to do this. Why? Because I wanted gifts underneath our Christmas tree this year. Gifts for my children. I needed to watch them open gifts.
Would I do this again? You bet!!! I'm going again tomorrow. This time not alone. It's Christmas and my children no matter how grown up they seem should have presents under the tree to open up on Christmas morning while I sit on the couch with my coffee and smile proudly.
I have time to be sick. After all, I'm sick all year long.
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8 comments:
Oh, Lu, I just love you! You sound so much like me at times. I have the same reaction to shopping, something I once loved now makes me so sick. I hope you recover from this quickly and that ya'll have a wonderful Christmas!
Love you,
Su. " )
http://journals.aol.com/sbrlz/Madnesstheillnessnottheband
((((((((((Lu dear)))))))))))) Be safe; I am glad you are not going alone again, dear!
loving you
karyl
Bless your heart. You had better definetely take someone with you tomorrow. My prayers are with you. God bless, Beckie
Luanne, I am freaking out right now that I want to cry. It as if I wrote this journal entry. I had this same experience and reaction when I went alone to Target one day. I was so angry at the lupus, I should not of been driving or going anywhere.
I was just dying to go shopping, do something normal and hit some sales at Target. My adrenaline was on high, I was just going to do it no matter what. Barely able to walk with my cane, I had to park a long distance from the store in the parking lot, by the time I got in the store, I was wasted. The pain in my legs and feet was excruciating and my legs wanted to drop. But I just fought it and kept on. I made it, but also couldn't wait to get home in my recliner off my feet
and I was miserable the rest of the evening. But it was worth it. I wish you didn't have the discomfort that you did. I don't know how to explain it but it is so nice to be able to relate to someone else, it just justifies how we have to live. My mother doesn't understand, I'm making a copy of your entry for her to read. Thank you.
Boy do I understand this!! (((Luanne))) This is why I had my daughter as my helper this year and whe was absolutely wonderful!! I think standing in line is the hardest part of all. I am so proud of you for getting out and shopping! We do what we must, huh?! Love you! xox
WOW...you are truly amazing!! You are right..Yuo have the rest of the year to get from from the shopping...and watching them open their presents WILL be so rewarding..Im so glad that even though you went through such heck to it, that you did...And Im sure you're proud of yourself as well!! (((HUGS)))
its so frustrating I bet. I cant slow down either so that would also drive me bonkers too!!!!!!!!!! I dont blame you for being angry. Its simply the most frutratinging thing. You try and try. Woudl those electric riding carts help you any at all? Lori
Sometimes you just have to pull yourself up and do what you gottas do. I admire the fact that you did it! I am not familiar with Lupus. But I will be back to learn more. :-) I need to consider the gift of health that I have when I am whining in my journal about the holiday's.
Cheryl
http://journals.aol.com/dvlwitgrneyes/Fortysomething/
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