Depression

I must first lead you to Loretta's journal.  On Saturday, January 15, 2005 Loretta wrote about Lupus and Psychological Testing.  Did you ever hear a speaker, watch a movie or listen to your Pastor at church and say ....... They are talking directly to me?  Well, that is how I felt when I read Loretta's entry. 

For the past few months I have been going downhill emotionally.  The speed at which I have been going downhill has rapidly increased over the last few weeks.  If I had to put my finger on one occurance I couldn't.  So many things have changed in my life over the past 18 months.  But I did think that I had a handle on those things.

But I was so very wrong.  Within the last four months things began to change.  I no longer felt sure of myself.  I doubted everything in my life.  And, as much as I tried to hold on to what I believed was my life I couldn't.  You see in my mind I believed I had a purpose.  That I was useful.  Even after I crashed I felt that I still had a purpose.  That I mattered.  I was still trying to work.  Then there became a time that was no longer possible.  My doctors believed that.  My family believed that.  Friends believed that.  My health had deterioriated so that I could no longer do it.  My seizure activity had increased to 2 or 3 times a week.  My cognitive function was (and is) such that I was making wrong decisions at work.  Not to mention the disorientation, pain and fatigue I felt.  It was (and still is) a scary time for me.  Then one day I woke up and I could not understand and was very confused and my world was never the same.  This is where I began to go downhill emotionally.

I have always called May 13, 2003 the day I crashed because it was the day I had my first stroke.  I will now call that the day of my medical crash.  December 29, 2004 is now the day of my emotional crash.  This is the day that I was taken out of my house and brought to the hospital an emotional wreck.  A quiet emotional wreck, but one none the less.  I was deemed to be a danger to myself.  And admitted.  My depression was diagnosed to be severe and I was admitted to the psychiatric ward and watched for 6 days.  I was assigned a "sitter."  Someone to watch me 24 hours a day.  The rope was taken from my bathrobe and any string from any item of clothing Gary brought me.

The experience there was harrowing to say the least.  I sat there quietly for six days sleeping when I could.  Watching others there.  I looked around and what I saw around me was what looked like the cast of the video "Thriller." Feeling that I didn't belong there, yet somehow I did.  I cried when I could, but sometimes there were no tears.  I tried to replay the last months.  How did I end up there?  I remembered my life before Lupus.  Getting up and going to work. Being head strong.  Raising my family.  Being a wife.  Being a woman.  Now I felt like nothing.  Sleeping in a room with a bed and nothing more.  I had a baby sitter.  Showering with a baby sitter.  Asking for someone to unlock a cabinet so I could get clothing and my hair brush.  How horrible my life had become.  This is what Lupus had given me.  Depression was far more than I could handle.  My brain was fighting me now.  It was fighting back telling me it could no longer handle everything I was holding in.  There were no more smiles.  There were no more tears.  There was nothing.

Tests are being done and my rheumatologist, neurologist and a psychiatrist all consulted.  Some tests are still being done.  But, its the Lupus and it has affected my brain. As well as deficits from the strokes. Meds have been changed.  My prednisione is being weaned. As prednisone really has no effect on Lupus and APS with CNS involvement.  Or just doesn't work for me.  My immuno suppressant has been changed.  They are working on adjusting my psyc meds.  I have another "ologist."  A psychiatrist.  She's great.  Also my health insurance assigned a mental health specialist to call every two weeks to speak to me.

I've decided to write about this now.  Only after reading Loretta's journal entry.  At the time of this happening to me only family and a few select friends knew.  I'm sorry if you were told a different story.  I needed time to sort things out.  This has been a tumultuous couple of months emotionally.  I'm still not healthy emotionally and really not up to the questions and reprove of those un understanding minds.

Lupus is no respector of persons.  What we get when we have Lupus is different than another gets.  Kidney involvement, Lung involvement, Skin involvement, CNS involvement.  It's all horrible.  Not one should be taken lightly.