I just wrote an entire entry and it was wiped out when I got booted. I just hate AOL. Writing how I feel lately and having it wiped out only lends credit to my feelings.
I am so lonely and angry. Being sick is making me very angry lately. I am feeling so responsible for everything that is happening lately. The intellectual part of me realizes that these feelings are insane. That there is no truth in my feelings.
But, my feelings are, in fact, my feelings and they just aren't logical. I cannot help the way I feel. Just as I cannot help being sick. But, things have changed so drastically in the past two years. Yup, it's coming up......... the second anniversary of my crash.
Lately, I have been feeling more sick than usual. My pain and fatigue levels are just incapacitating me. Aside from every joint in my body hurting me. I have been experiencing horrendous pain my right leg (from hip to toe). I've been told that I just have to live with this pain. That most likely it's a pinched nerve in my spine. So I have been living on the "big gun" meds. So my fatigue level is worse. I cannot manage to get up and accomplish anything productive. Therefore, I am feeling useless. Feeling useles is one of the most saddest of emotions.
I just cannot shake this feeling. Two years ago I was such a productive woman. Now I spend my days on the couch trying to muster enough energy to load the dishwasher.
How much my life has changed. I know that some of you are saying to yourselves that I need to get past this. It's just a hard thing to do. I'm sad and there is nothing I can do to shake this.
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8 comments:
if u know how to cut and paste i can help u stop the erasing. by aol.
u can just type what u want to say in a blank letter to urself
then when it is done u just send to urself cut and paste
and put it in ur journal i found it is the only way to stop the loss i get booted i even now write off line what i want to say then cut paste in both replies like this one and also my own journals.
and as to feeling guilty for being sick i am too.
i had a bmt (bone marrow transplant) i feel guilty for trying to save myself when so many more worthy people need this same treatment so ur not alone gentle reader.
vincent.
author to both
http://journals.aol.com/justasiam4me/TaxiDriversTales
http://journals.aol.com/justasiam4me/shatteredglassadarkerimage/
LuAnne,
You are doing something...You are writing and educating all your readers about the effects of what is happening to your body.
I think it is OK to be sad, lonely and unproductive. it is OK to "sit in it"
Your writing is helping me to understand Lupus and much more.
Don't give up!
When you tell yourself something bad like ..I'm usless be sure to tell yourself something good like...I am still writing and trying!
Sending prayers your way!
Mary Louise
((((((((((((Lu dear))))))))))))) I am praying for you. It is easy for someone to say you need to get past this. Your life turned upside down and you are still not only dealing with that upsidedown-ness but also facing daily health challenges, sufferings and trials.
Getting past that --- how can anyone do this?
With humans many things seem impossible. Many things are impossible.
With God all things are possible. If we take our impossibilities to Him, He undertakes for us, dear.
loving you
karyl
(((((((((((Lu))))))))))))))) This is something you don't just get over, it's not the flu and it's not going away. I'm sure that's not the most helpful thing to say, but it's what has gotten me through a lot of lupus related &^% $.
Hang in there (easier said then done, I know). You have so many people who love you and we all know that you did not ask to be sick and that you don't want to be sick. None of us want to be sick, it just happens. None of this is your fault. No one blames you for how you feel.
Writing about your feelings is wonderful, it helps to validate them, get it out. Own your feelings, you have the right to feel the way that you are.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough day at that AOL is being stupid. I've lost so many entries because of AOL.
Hang in there, sweetie. I'll get off my soap box now.
Love you,
Susan
My heart hurts for you...
Always thinking of you.
Linda
Lu,
Anniversary dates are very important. Remebering the time your health crashed is the same as grieving for a deceased loved one. It is real and it hurts something fierce.
You just don't "get over it".
Anyone who would expect that from you is being very unfair.
Those who grieve well, live well.
Keep tending to yourself.
Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel.
And do make a daily plan to set aside some time to do things that make you feel good and feel good about yourself.
You are in a winter season in you life.
Hold on tight... because it is a SEASON.
It will pass.
To everything there is a season.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to reap and a time to harvest.
A time to wound and a time to heal....
(((((Hugs)))))
Love,
Loretta
I am sorry that you are having pain. I have lupus and 2 years ago I was a very
productive and happy person. I understand the feeling of useless and if you find a way to shake it PLEASE post it. Hang on and try to smile. I remind myself that
my life plan may not be the same plan that myCreator has in mind for me. I told my husband my life went from riches to rags and I am not talking about material things but my emotions. Thanks for chance to vent..Margaret USA
Hello, I bumped into your page by accident..... or was it God's timing..? I've been reading your pages about your struggles with this terrible disease and I have a heart for you. I need you to please email me. I may have something of interest to you.
Thanks,
Greg
gregoryaj@cox.net
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