WHY ME?

Tonight I sat and cried.  I cried because I cannot stand being

in pain any more.  I cried because each and every pain

is blamed on Lupus, etc.  I cried because there is nothing that

can be done to alleviate my pain aside from medicating myself

and becoming nothing more than a shell of the woman I used

to be.  I cried because I am angry.  But, mostly I cried

because I finally said, "Why Me?"  I thought I was above this

kind of thinking.  I believed so much that I could handle this. 

Tonight I am having a very hard time with what is going in my

health life.  What should I complain about?  What should I tell

you about?  Should it be the constant joint pain?  Or how

about muscle pain?  I could tell you how paralyzing my fatigue

is sometimes.  I might even be able to say I have a pain in my

head.  Let’s talk about the pain that I still have at the site of

my inguinal hernia repair.  All of which is not alleviated by my

“Big Gun” meds any longer. 

 

So what’s next?  There has been talk of contacting a pain

management specialist.  “They know how to control your pain.” 

My PCP says.  My answer to him was ……… “What could this

kind of doctor give me now?  I have already been prescribed

morphine.  What’s next?  Heroine? I’ve tried that I

 Dilaudid is synthetic heroine.

 

I’m not usually so down trodden, it’s just getting to me

tonight.  Plus I am anxious about going to the Coumadin

Center in the morning.  Remember on Friday my level was way

too high.  I have a feeling I will be too low on Monday.  It’s

just the way it is, this happens all the time.

 

I have not smoked.  I want to smoke.  But I believe that if I

can stop something from happening to my body I WILL do it. 

There is so much going on that I have no control of, I need to

do this.  I don’t know how it is for others.  I only know what is

going on in my head.  I put the patch on when I remember. 

Mostly I am going cold turkey.  And, it’s hard, it’s very hard. 

But it is getting easier.  Hours will go by before I even think

about a cigarette.

 

Boy am I a bummer tonight.  I’m sorry, I really am.  I think I

just need a good night’s sleep or someone to explain to me

how they can fix these things.  Pray for me tonight please. 

I’m feeling hopeless which is pretty stupid because there are

so many others in this world whose health ismuch worse than

 mine. Pray that I remember that once again.

 

Good Night My Friends......... I'm praying for you too.