Sunday, July 10, 2005

WHY ME?

Tonight I sat and cried.  I cried because I cannot stand being

in pain any more.  I cried because each and every pain

is blamed on Lupus, etc.  I cried because there is nothing that

can be done to alleviate my pain aside from medicating myself

and becoming nothing more than a shell of the woman I used

to be.  I cried because I am angry.  But, mostly I cried

because I finally said, "Why Me?"  I thought I was above this

kind of thinking.  I believed so much that I could handle this. 

Tonight I am having a very hard time with what is going in my

health life.  What should I complain about?  What should I tell

you about?  Should it be the constant joint pain?  Or how

about muscle pain?  I could tell you how paralyzing my fatigue

is sometimes.  I might even be able to say I have a pain in my

head.  Let’s talk about the pain that I still have at the site of

my inguinal hernia repair.  All of which is not alleviated by my

“Big Gun” meds any longer. 

 

So what’s next?  There has been talk of contacting a pain

management specialist.  “They know how to control your pain.” 

My PCP says.  My answer to him was ……… “What could this

kind of doctor give me now?  I have already been prescribed

morphine.  What’s next?  Heroine? I’ve tried that I

 Dilaudid is synthetic heroine.

 

I’m not usually so down trodden, it’s just getting to me

tonight.  Plus I am anxious about going to the Coumadin

Center in the morning.  Remember on Friday my level was way

too high.  I have a feeling I will be too low on Monday.  It’s

just the way it is, this happens all the time.

 

I have not smoked.  I want to smoke.  But I believe that if I

can stop something from happening to my body I WILL do it. 

There is so much going on that I have no control of, I need to

do this.  I don’t know how it is for others.  I only know what is

going on in my head.  I put the patch on when I remember. 

Mostly I am going cold turkey.  And, it’s hard, it’s very hard. 

But it is getting easier.  Hours will go by before I even think

about a cigarette.

 

Boy am I a bummer tonight.  I’m sorry, I really am.  I think I

just need a good night’s sleep or someone to explain to me

how they can fix these things.  Pray for me tonight please. 

I’m feeling hopeless which is pretty stupid because there are

so many others in this world whose health ismuch worse than

 mine. Pray that I remember that once again.

 

Good Night My Friends......... I'm praying for you too. 

 

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I read your blog as I am thinking of starting a blog and am a registered nurse. I just wanted to you to know that there are many alternatives for dealing with pain and I hope that you check out some of the "alternative" areas for dealing with pain such as support groups, accupucnture, massage, chineses medicine, etc. I work in a chemical detox unit where sometimes using pain meds is the easiest thing a MD can do to quickly deal with the problem. I'm not minimizing your pain, because I really can tell how badly you sound and I want you to know I really do feel for you and am praying for you, however, I have seen far too many times where people have been referred to pain clinics rather than other areas first. Take care, and please treat yourself to something nice tomorrow and reward yourself for not smoking. I used to be a Tobacco Cessation nurse as well and know that patches work, try setting a regular time and place the patches where you know where you'll see them (by the sink, etc.) and good luck!!

Anonymous said...

i'm sorry to hear your having a rough time, i will pray for you.this is the first time i have came to your journal and i would like to say thank you for sharing your story. i am 33years old and a single parent of three boys 18,12,&8. i've been living with lupus for 15 years. i'm looking for a good doctor here in minnesota. i don't know much about lupus and i'm trying to find out more. you'll be in my prayers and thanks again for shareing your story.

Anonymous said...

I understand exactly what you are talking about. I live with the dreadful disease everyday.  Nobody, except someone who has Lupus, can understand the pain we go thru.  I found out in Jan. 2003 I believe is the correct date.  I just had several blood test done and quite a few of my levels were out of range.  I've lost 3 pregnancies at 5 months due to my lupus.  I would like to send personal emails to each other if you wouldnt mind.  please send one if you can.  How old are you and how serious is you lupus.  Nobody ever believes how bad I am actually hurting.
Thanks for your article, it lets me know im no alone

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you LuAnne.

Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink

Anonymous said...

Hi LuAnne:

Thank you so much for visiting my journal. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I had a really rough night as well and have been quite cranky haha! Having chronic pain really gets the best of you and sometimes no matter how hard you try to be strong it catches up with you!

Keep in touch :)

Kara

Anonymous said...

OH Sweetie!  I know exactly how you feel.  The pain and the pain medicine gets you so down.  It's like your always stuck between a rock and hard spot.  I see a Pain Management Doctor and he has really helped me a lot in managing my pain.  He eminated some meds and increased others.  Keep a open mind, research the meds they prescribe, and I'll keep praying for you as I always do, my friend.  No matter how much pain you are in, you always shine like a beautiful star to me!
Hugs,
Chrissy

Anonymous said...

Luanne
I know exactly how you feel.    I get depressed sometimes about my health, too.   It is ok to say why me every now and then.   And it is ok to cry.    We have got to get it out of our systems or we would loose our minds.    It is very difficult living life sick.    I am sorry you are having such a rough time,   I will say extra prayers just for you.      Please know God will carry you through it all.    And be thankful for the good things and good days.    That is how I survive.   And it is hard.   But, we are strong.
Plz be careful with the coumadin.    Make sure your doc stays on top of your levels.    
God Bless You and Yours,
Lori

Anonymous said...

I have a 37 year old Daughter that suffers too! It is exhausting for the family as well. We do not understand how someone so vibrant early on can barely get out
of bed. She is constanly in the hospital and refuses to quit smoking. They are
aputating her index finger tomorrow and she is very upset. We will pray for
you as well.

Anonymous said...

HI LUANNE.... TY FOR VISITING MY J AND I HOPE WE CROSS PATHS AGAIN... OH HON HERE IS THE HUG FOR YOUR (((( LUANNE)))).... I GET LIKE THIS WHEN I ASK MYSELF THESE QUSTIONS WHY ME AND THEN I GO THROUGH THAT MOTION THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WORSE OFF THAN I BUT AT THE TIME I HURT AND PAIN TOLERANCE IS SO UNBERALBE.  I GO TO PAIN MGT AND IF U DO GET YOUR APPT I HOPE THAT SOME HOW THEY HELP U.  GOOD LUCK.  IT SEEMS WE HAVE ALOT OF AILMENTS IN COMMON.. AND MY SISTER HAS LUPUS AND I KNOW SHE HAS SUFFERED OVER THE YEARS.  I ALSO TAKE COUMADIN I HAVE HAD A PULMONARY EMOBLISM AND THEN A BLOOD CLOT ON THE BRACIAL SOMETHING OR ANOTHER UPPER RT ARM AREA.. AND I GO TO SEE A SPECIALIST (CLINIC) TOO.  SINCE I AM NOT TOO MOBILE THESE DAYS THE HOPE OF ME COMING OFF OF COUMADIN IS ZILCH... NADA...  I WISH U BLESSINGS AND I HOPE THAT EVERYTHING WENT WELL FOR YOU ON THAT DAY.  FEEL FREE TO KEEP IN TOUCH.  IT IS HARD NOT TO BREAK DOWN PAIN HAS NO FRIEND... ING

Anonymous said...

Pray,that there will be a cure found for lupus and other debilitating diseases so that the unlucky can get free.

Anonymous said...

Hi Luanne.
Sorry to hear you're so sad tonight. I have lupus too and I know exactly how you feel. I have alot of pain too and I have my hopeless moments, but I try a little, exercise/mainly walking, to get the feel good endorphins going.
Whenever I get really down, I count the things that are still working in my pain-wracked body. I also had friends who died of accidents and other diseases...and I wonder why I'm still blessed to be here.
I know lupus is really tough, especially the depression, but with proper care you can have a normal life.
I pray for you and all of us with lupus. One other thing, Luanne, don't let the Lupus define who you are. You are much more that that.
Love and God's blessings to you,
Maureen

Anonymous said...

Just wanted you to know that I've said a prayer on your behalf.  I can't imagine what you must be going thru.  I know when I only had bronchitis and sinus for 8 weeks it drove me crazy so I know this is just giving you some insane moments.  I'm sending you a hug, dear one. <<<<<<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sonya