I'm not writing in this journal as much as I used to. I thought that it was because the words didn't flow the way they once did. My mind, I would say, is not the same. Blaming everything on my cognitive dysfunction was my way out of having to make decisions. HA!!
But, in reality, my lack of journaling really only comes down to one simple fact. I could care less about My Lupus. I've just come to terms with it and it's part of my daily existence. My journaling was my way of learning. My quest at understanding. My lupus persona.
I believed that I had to embrace this Lupus crap the way I had embraced everything else in my life.
But, I was wrong. I don't have to embrace a gosh darn thing. I used to like the "I have Lupus but it doesn't have me!" slogan. I don't any longer.
It's not necessary for me to rise above Lupus. I'm a person with Lupus and most of the time it does have me. It's taken away a lot of my zest. But, who cares?
I no longer whine about it. I could you know. But, I don't. It's been too long and most are tired of hearing about it anyway. I am tired of hearing about it.
I am no longer diligent in keeping my medical appointments. There were times when I would hobble and limp. Hold on to anything to get me to the doctor's office. Now, I cancel and reschedule. Another week or two is not going to make me better. I'm not going to get better.
This is not me giving up. This is not me feeling sorry for myself. This is definitely not me whining. It's just me falling into my place in life.
I no longer care that I have Lupus. Or if that new stabbing pain behind my eye is something to be concerned about. If it is, it will reveal itself eventually. I no longer search for answers.
I just no longer care that I have Lupus. It's not my job to keep abreast of the new treatments. That is my doctor's job.
I am LuAnne.
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10 comments:
Hello LuAnne:) i do hope you will continue to write in your journal. write about your day, your family, any pets, cooking, kids, gardening, you name it i would love to read it if you will let me:) when i first started reading journals yours was one of the first then dawn then Karyl. I was drawn into reading about your life.
Deb
I like your new attitude. It sounds as if you are in a better space, and I am glad for you. I need to learn from you. I, too, hope you will continue with your journal-you started it for one reason, I hope it will morph(sp?) into something else that also feeds you, but in some different way. Take care of yourself. Margo
Hi Luanne,
Good to hear from you, with a novel approach to Living with Lupus. You are right that a chronic disease, like Lupus, can take over your life, in that it can completely come to rule everything you do, think and write about.
For what it is worth, I reckon that your journal is invaluable for others suffering with lupus, to find a mirror, to find that they are not alone in the big world with a horrendous condition like L.E. For that, your previous posts will serve very well.
Please keep posting - up to you.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pharmolo/NorthernTrip
It was great to see your entry... and I totally get what you are saying. 'It' is a part of us...it doesn't have us, it is part and parcel within. Coming to acceptance is a big thing and I think you have come there... I feel the same sometimes. Then I rage again, then I get sad again. I think that it is circle sometimes for those of us with a chronic disease. Just like the phases of grief, you revisit it again and again...
be well,
Dawn
ps... I like when you journal more
Hi LuAnne
11 years ago when I first got Lupus, I had never heard of it. Then I heard people with Lupus only live about 10 years. I went to a support group at the hospital, and it was the best thing I ever did. Knowledge is power. Being me, I decided right away I have to live with this stuff and made it my business to listen to my body.
No one suffered but me. I do say, I have Lupus and if you want to be my friend or family you have to deal with me and my Lupus.
I still have a lot of up's and down's. Stress, pain all the fun things. I do the best I can and no more. It beats fighting it. It has made life easier.
I hope this new understanding makes life better for you. You need a brake Lu, good way to start 2007. Excepting Lupus or any other sickness is ruff, but excepting also takes a big burden off your shoulders. I miss being me. I love to show dogs , ride horses and go dancing. I love to be thin and free again. But I have pictures<VBG>
Good Way To Go!!!!!!!!!!!
eileen
I have been getting alerts about comments, but they aren't here. Wonder what's up? Thank you guys so much for your support. Lu
Whatever you have or don't have it's all a part of you. I don't list what I have or don't have. I'm not quite at the same stage you are but I am rapidly getting there.
So whatever you have or don't have you are just my friend, Luanne!
Hugs to you my friend,
Deb
Bravo! I also have some stuff to deal with. If I can do what you have done, it will be a blessing for me. Many blessings to you, Penny http://journals.aol.com/firestormkids04/FromHeretoThere
http://journals.aol.com/firestormkids04/TimeforaLittlePoetry
Lu dear, you are journeying on through life and changing as you go, as we all do. Not all of us know we change -- or admit it lol. Keep on sharing what you are thinking and feeling with us here, dear. We are on your side --- in every way.
loving you
karyl
Glad to see you back on-line Luanne, you've been missed dear. Good for you accepting what you have and going forward. All of us have things we have to deal with in life and just have to accept them and keep plugging on. For me it's my heart condition, but I don't let it get me down. Really think I could run circles around my Cardiologist and that suits me just fine. Hang in there, take it one day at a time, enjoy your good days and allow yourself to laugh each day. You'll on the right track......Arlene (AJ)
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