I've noticed something about me. This I have noticed only a few times in my life. During intense periods in my life I have a tendency to clean out my material possessions.
The first recollection of this I have is when the problem started during my first marriage. I remember washing every pair of panties I owned. Every bra and every night gown. I did this when Michael said he no longer loved me and wanted to end our marriage. He actually told me I disgusted him. Even though I hung on to the marriage for as long as I could and refused to divorce him. Finally, I moved out of the apartment we shared together into another one. He moved home. I stayed in that apartment for about a year. I was an emotional wreck. I stopped eating and became weak. It was a bad situation all around. I ended up moving home. Sold most of everything I owned. I could care less what the stuff was worth. I just wanted to be done with the memories. The memories were too much to bare. I hurt too much.
The second time I did anything similiar to that was when my Grandfather died. I had just delivered my son, Gary. He was exactly one month old when my Grandfather died. Grandpa died in Florida. Mom was up in NY to help me. I wasn't able to go to Grandpa's funeral. To me, my Grandpa was wonderful. He might not have been, but I never saw anything but wonderful. I got a call from my Uncle Bob saying....."He thought Grandpa was dead" What a phone call to get! I didn't know the circumstances then but later I found out that they had revived him at home and he had died again. I think that is what happened. My memory is fuzzy. Anyway, Mom left to go back to Florida. I was left to grieve here in NY. My purging my possessions was my way to deal with the grief I was going through. Big black industrial garbage bags were all over my apartment filled to capacity.
I did it again on Sunday. Had a garage sale. These last few months I have been feeling very sad. Very empty. Quite lost. Too much weight on my frail shoulders. I had the kids put just about everything out on the driveway to be sold. Then donated a lot of the stuff to charity. Not everything but most of it. Christina was getting upset with me because if someone would look at the price and put something down I would yell out from my chair in the background......... "You can have that for $1.00 or I would say 5 of those for $10.00." Stuff that was worth way more than that. It's a good thing I got tired and dizzy and had to go in and sleep.
Some people shop to fill emptiness, some do other things...... I purge my possessions. And, I like the emptiness of the house. I like the cleanliness. Don't ask me why. I suppose there is some psychological explanation. But, I really don't want to know what it is.
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