Introspective

I began this journal on Monday, September 15, 2003.  The subject was entitled “My Day”.   The time was 8:46 PM.  And I was frustrated

 

I’m curious if there is a way to find out how often I was feeling worried, happy, lupie, ecstatic or one of the other choices AOL has so kindly provided us.  Often I wish I could add my own mood word.  There are a myriad of words that I could choose from.   How about creepy, sleepy, ugly or fat?  Conversely, there were days when I would be feeling beautiful, normal, or simply irresistible.

 

When I started “LuAnne’s Life With Lupus, the words I typed were for my own survival.  Each and every syllable was meant for me.  My “Dear Journal” type entries were only for me.

 

I have always loved to write. And, as amazing as some might find it; I am good at it

 

There are days when the words flow from my mind to my fingertips.  On these days I feel like an eloquent and gifted writer.  And, I feel magnificent

 

My journal had been in effect for a few months when I had received a comment from someone I had never met nor have I ever spoken to. This woman had been suffering alone, in silence for quite some time.  Her comment to me was that she was very thankful to me because I was putting into words what she was feeling.

 

Since that first comment I have received many other comments. More over I have received thousands of emails and IMs from others who have been suffering in silence..

 

It was then that it occurred to me that language I was conveying here in this journal was meant not just for me but for others who were like me..

 

There are millions of other people who are experiencing the stigma of what having an invisible illness brings with it.,

 

I came across this poem. I highly suggest reading it. Here is the link…..http://www.fms-help.com/poem2.htm I would copy and paste it here but I am unsure of copy write laws and stuff.

 

After doing an Internet search Invisible Illnesses I learned a lot.  First off, there were more sites on this subject.  The one I love the most is written by Christine Miserandino.  Here is the link to her site.  Be sure to check out SPOONS.  Christine is one of the most amazing and knowledgeable woman I have come across.  http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/about_us

 

Throughout my journey into J-Land I have became friends with loads of woman.  And, as I wrote about above, not all have Lupus.  But all have some sort of disease that has changed their lives.

 

Some of us have been fortunate in that we are supported by husbands, wives, parents, children, etc. who see beyond our beautiful appearances and realize how complicated our lives have become.  We are blessed to have these people in our lives.  With these loved ones who have complete understanding and compassion for us, it affords us the time we require to recharge.

 

Webster defines a man in the following manner.  As a male surpassing those tendencies that were once that of a beast.  My man, my husband has more than surpassed that.   He has been my rock.  He has been my fortress. 

 

Gary has held me up both physically and emotionally.  Never once has he mocked me.It is usually I who disparaged in my own mind.  It is me who has put down me.  No one has done more harm to me than I have.

 

When I switch on my moods.  And, in those moods I feel less than a woman and ridicule and scoff at myself.  It is during these periods where my husband encourages me.  He is so wonderful at retrieving me from the depths of despair that I easily throw myself into.

 

During these times he doesn't attempt to put things into his perspective.  He knows better.  He knows how to build up my confidence.  Gary tells me how needed I am.  He narrates my life.  He recounts my accomplishments.  He has this remarkable way of returning me to reality.  What ever is needed to do this, he has the tools to get the job done

 

When I feel ugly, he looks into my eyes and reminds me that he only sees my beauty.

 

This journal is a tribute to him.  For all of you who have told me that I have helped you.  You also have him to thank

 

On the 16th of this month will celebrate our 22 year of marriage.  Each and every day of these 22 years I have never had one moment where I regretted the decision I made to marry him in 1984.

 

He is my soul mate. 

 

God blessed me when he sent him to me. 

 

Gary is my lover, my friend and the man who holds out his hand when I am falling.

 

I can only hope that I make him as happy as he has and continues to make me.

 

 Because he has given me his best and deserves only the best in return