Check this out.

www.lupus.org/webmodules/webarticlesnet/templates/new_empty.aspx?articleid=2175&zoneid=76

I am often asked why I have a blog. Why, I am asked, do I put my thoughts out there for everyone to read? I've never given a definitive answer to this question. More times than not I have skirted around the issue.

I am not ashamed of my thoughts. Nor am I concerned about what those who read this will think, say or do. If when you read this you find something that helps you. My job is done. I write what I feel. It's my life. Mine to do with as I want.

So here it is. Here is the answer. I do it for no other reason than to write. I love it. I love that I may have the ability to put my thoughts down in a way that I never imagined I could.

Hey everyone. It's been quite some time since I wrote anything. I really have no reason except to say that I haven't really felt like it. I hope you all are well. Or as well as can be expected. WHAT IS HAPPINESS??? It has been quite difficult for me to understand so much. Difficult for me to be in tune with the observable facts that present themselves in my life. What makes one being feel blissful may bring about distress to another. This is the stuff that wars are started over. It appears difficult for me because I have always known that each one of us in, in fact, an individual. There are groups dedicated to an idea of how things should be done. But in those groups there are differences. This is because we still are different. Different in the way we think. Different in the way we do things. Perceive things. People are diverse. The question still remains. Can the answer be as simple as what brings a smile to our faces? Is it that straightforward? It should be. But it doesn't always happen that way. I smile when I observe others smiling. I am genuinely delighted to hear about the good things that happen to others. Oh, don't get me wrong.... I have been known to judge more times than I care to admit. We are all guilty of this. That is what makes us human. My imperfection. The list is long. But it is what it is. I do not think that I am making much sense here. Here is where I am trying to go with this....... I want to be comfortable in an imperfect world. Not to be intolerant but to be forbearing and most of all understanding. I want to submit to my limitations and those of others with a pleasing and compassionate spirit. So what is happiness? It's just the smile on a face. What puts that smile there does not matter what it is that causes those facial muscles to form that smile. As long as it is not menacing or perverse. Not cruel, just loving (you know what I am trying to get at here). I so want to love and be loved. For who you are. For who I am.

When I was a young girl I had this fantasy about what my life would be like when I was "OLD." Things never do turn out the way we fantasize they would.

A new page has been turned as far as my illnesses are concerned. I previously wrote about the seizures and that is still happening. Life is what it is. But I am not 100% positive that they are seizures. I believe that it's Lupus Celebritis rearing its ugly head in a huge way. I do not know how much longer I can write posts that would make much sense. I'm falling quite a bit and my eyesight is blurry most of the day. Hubby and the kids tell me I do things that are not normal. I cannot control this and when your brain is diseased there is no way to get a handle on it. I have a call into my doctor and am waiting anxiously for him to return it. So far he hasn't.

Please pray for me.

Again, I am going to quote my good friend, Lorettta........ I am not complaining........ just making a statement of facts. Thanks Loretta for that one.

On Thursday I will turn 52. For me this year it is nothing special except that I am still alive. And for that I am thankful.

Lupus has come back and reared it's ugly head once again. I am trying to deal with this the best way I know how to. Most of the time it works well. I manage to get through my day without much thought about what life has thrown my way. Lately I have been having a hard time with it. Things have been happening again. Flares have been coming more often and lasting a lot longer. The seizures have returned. That part is the hardest for me. Here in South Carolina (as I am sure it is in all the states) a person cannot operate a motor vehicle unless they have been seizure free for at least 6 months. Therefore I am confined to my home. My independence has been taken away from me. Where we live is very rural. There is no city transportation. Walking to shopping areas is unthinkable because they are so far away. I am left to depend upon others to drive me around. This makes me sad beyond sad. Not a day goes by that I do not end up crying. It has gotten to the point that when I wake up in the morning and after my meds take effect I get into the shower to let the hot water pound on my back to alleviate some of the pain and stiffness. Then I wash up. What am I going to do tday, I ask myself? I never have an answer because there is never anything to do. I get back in my pajamas do what little has to be done aroaund here and then I sit around. Sometimes I venture outside to weed and water my garden. Or I make a wreath or back something. Then it is still early so I sit and watch TV. Believe me there is nothing on worth watching during the day. But I watch it anyway.

I try not to complain. I try not to dwell on this stuff. But it is so very hard. I want my life to be the way it used to be. It should be the way it used ot be. I loved getting up and going to work. Not I feel useless.

Please check out the following blog........ It will break your heart.

http://www.canada.com/vancouversun/story.html?id=489a4ee0-057e-4303-b558-3edb18c95eba

IT IS WHAT IT IS

Life is what it is. Sometimes you can go to the left or to the right. I believe that it must be taken head on and we need to go straight ahead. Life may not necessary be the life I wanted. It is what has been intended for me. But whatever it is, my life has been predisposed. It is what it is.

My life is not what I had expected it to be at this age. I had never in my wildest expectations thought that I would be chronically ill at almost 52. Having a disease that there is no cure for and the treatment for is imaginative at its best. But I go on, or at least I try to go on. It is what it is.

Don't get me wrong, I still get depressed over this. But those spells are far and in between. They usually occur when I am in a particularly horrible Lupus flare. Otherwise I wrangle through my days. Taking solace that at this point what the universe has thrown at me is not yet life threatening. Painful yes. Brain draining, definitely. Confusing and disturbing, most assuredly. It is what it is.

Because I do live with this eventuality deep down in my psyche I am suspicious and at times I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. But it does not define me. It is what it is.

I maneuver through this life with a sense of tenacity. Recognizing my inability to veto any of this. It is what it is.

Overall, I am a exultant woman and attempt to navigate easily through my life. I may not always succeed, but I do try.

Therefore, even though my life is not what I had planned it to be .... I am accepting of what it is. Again.... It is what it is.

And, as a very dear friend once wrote..... I am not complaining ......... just making a statement of facts.

Every other aspect of my journey through this thing we call life is wonderful.