Now I have it.

I received my Medicare card in the mail yesterday.  And, just as my approval for Social Security this was a bittersweet event.

It makes it all the more clearer that I am disabled.  That I am no longer capable of holding down a job.

I loved my job.  I was good, no excellent, at my job.  No one knew the policy and procedures concerning medical records like I did.  I was relied upon to make sure that everything ran smootly and that resident medical charts were complete and accurate.  And, when necessary the proper information was released according to HIPAA regulations.

Then one day I was wheeled out of my place of employment, put in an ambulance and rushed to the ER.  I was having a stroke.  That day was May 13, 2003.  The day before my 46th birthday.  Ever since that day my life has not been the same.

Gradually I started to have problems with my thought process.  I forgot important tasks at work.  I could no longer remember codes or read nurse's notes. My job started to become difficult for me.  For the first time in 8 years I was making mistakes.

Then I started to experience paralizing fatigue, excruciating pain and horrible skin rashes.  It all got to be too much for me.  And, I didn't want to put the nursing home in jeopardy.

I had to go on a medical leave of absence.  I stayed out for six months.  But within two or three weeks it became apparent that I could no longer function in the work place.

Now I have a Medicare card.

Now I write to keep myself sane.

Now I have all the time in the world.  I wished for more time.  Now I have it.