Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Now I have it.

I received my Medicare card in the mail yesterday.  And, just as my approval for Social Security this was a bittersweet event.

It makes it all the more clearer that I am disabled.  That I am no longer capable of holding down a job.

I loved my job.  I was good, no excellent, at my job.  No one knew the policy and procedures concerning medical records like I did.  I was relied upon to make sure that everything ran smootly and that resident medical charts were complete and accurate.  And, when necessary the proper information was released according to HIPAA regulations.

Then one day I was wheeled out of my place of employment, put in an ambulance and rushed to the ER.  I was having a stroke.  That day was May 13, 2003.  The day before my 46th birthday.  Ever since that day my life has not been the same.

Gradually I started to have problems with my thought process.  I forgot important tasks at work.  I could no longer remember codes or read nurse's notes. My job started to become difficult for me.  For the first time in 8 years I was making mistakes.

Then I started to experience paralizing fatigue, excruciating pain and horrible skin rashes.  It all got to be too much for me.  And, I didn't want to put the nursing home in jeopardy.

I had to go on a medical leave of absence.  I stayed out for six months.  But within two or three weeks it became apparent that I could no longer function in the work place.

Now I have a Medicare card.

Now I write to keep myself sane.

Now I have all the time in the world.  I wished for more time.  Now I have it.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

wise men always say, "be careful what you wish for ... " they are SO right!  i used to wish for more time, too.  i'm right here with you, baabee!!~
((( one*hip*mama )))

Anonymous said...

You will really come to appreciate your Medicare Card and your time to rest.  Truly you will.  It will come after acceptance of your situation.  Once you have accepted that you have your illness, you will be very happy you got the Medicre card!

Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink

Anonymous said...

it is so darn hard to go through all these grieving processes when we are ill, huh?  Hugs to you...do something fun for yourself if you can...be kind to yourself..(((Lu))) ox
http://journals.aol.com/valphish/ValsThoughts

Anonymous said...

Lu dear, I am glad the card came, because it will be a big help for you, I know.  I also know you have plenty to grieve over and am praying the Lord will lead you through that process and you will then be enabled to enjoy the time at home you used to long for.
Even though I'm not as sick as you are, I can identify with some of what you are grieving over, dear.  I used to be a whirlwind of work agonizing over not enough time to be home to take care of stuff here.  Now I am at home most of the time without the energy or income resources to do the things I longed to do.  Life is ironic at times, isn't it?
loving you
karyl

Anonymous said...

(((((((((((Lu)))))))))))) We've talked about this before, you know I feel the same. If you need me, you know where I am. Not as quick as I once was, not as gifted with words anymore, but I still love you.

Hugs,
Susan

Anonymous said...

What a bittertsweet moment-the card will help, but it does bring up all the feelings around "disabled" You are still you, however, despite the all the problems, and are valuable and loved, and deserve to feel your own self worth, just because you are you. {{{{{{Lu}}}}}} Margo

Anonymous said...

(((LU))))
I'm still lurking and wishing you the best. I hope your ear problem heals up. Take care,
Love,
KATHY

Anonymous said...

xxooxxooxxooxxooxxooxxoo


I will be careful of what I wish for.