For the past few weeks I have been experiencing a minor sense of depression. Nothing serious, just a feeling of sadness. I am a pretty happy woman, usually. I could laugh at the most outrageous things. I've never had a hard time finding humor in things. But lately, no. I should be happy because one of the most precious things is going to be happening next month. My daughter will be marrying her sweetheart. And, I am happy for that. Happy that she is happy. Happy that her intended is a wonderful young man. Planning a wedding is exciting. We have most of that done.
What keeps traveling through my mind is that all through this process I have become sicker. And, although it has been quite an effort, I have gotten up and revealed in all the wedding excitement. Watching my daughter happy ....... makes me happy.
I look back to how life was for me in my early years. I'm not saying that I was abused in any way. But what has me remembering how things were is that I am so there for my daughter (and son). I can't imagine it being any other way. I didn't have that. Neglect is what comes to mind. Not intentional neglect, but ignorant neglect. I cannot get past how this could have happened. As I said, I would do anything for my children. And, to remember that was not done for me, boggles me. I was told that I haven't gotten past that and I should.
Yeah I should. I've tried. It just seems to me that part of my life keeps returning. How does one let go when things keep reoccurring?
Aside from the inconvenience of my illnesses. I have the world by the balls. I have a husband that treats me like a princess. He shows me he loves me everyday by doing the little things, by being there for me when I need affirmations. Maybe I am needy. Could be? Maybe I am dwelling. That could be as well? But, it's what I need and yes, what I want. Do I sound crazy? Most likely. But this is what it is and I will get out of it. Keep me in your prayers. Please.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Dear Grandma
Dear Grandma,
It's almost been 10 years since you left us to be with The Lord. I am still, after all of this time, getting used to life without you. And, without Grandpa. You two were my heros. My confidants. The vision of who I wanted to become. I hope I have made you proud.
Life has changed so much since you left. I feel a little lost. You wouldn't be proud of the way things have turned out. I am very sure that you would have quite a lot to say. I wish I knew what that would be. Or, maybe I do know.
No one was there for me the way you were. I believe, without a doubt, that I am who I am today because of you.
"Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children." ~Alex Haley
It saddens me that my children will not get to learn from you the way that I did. But I will do my best to make you proud and teach them the way you taught me.
Please give Grandpa a big hug. I know you were not one for hugging, but now that you are in heaven with The Lord, I think you hug all the time.
I love you so much.
LuAnne
It's almost been 10 years since you left us to be with The Lord. I am still, after all of this time, getting used to life without you. And, without Grandpa. You two were my heros. My confidants. The vision of who I wanted to become. I hope I have made you proud.
Life has changed so much since you left. I feel a little lost. You wouldn't be proud of the way things have turned out. I am very sure that you would have quite a lot to say. I wish I knew what that would be. Or, maybe I do know.
No one was there for me the way you were. I believe, without a doubt, that I am who I am today because of you.
"Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children." ~Alex Haley
It saddens me that my children will not get to learn from you the way that I did. But I will do my best to make you proud and teach them the way you taught me.
Please give Grandpa a big hug. I know you were not one for hugging, but now that you are in heaven with The Lord, I think you hug all the time.
I love you so much.
LuAnne
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
At the Supermarket
Okay, picture this in your mind.
This past Saturday my son tells me that he would like to take the family out to dinner.
Why, you ask? You know you are wondering.
My son thinks that I shouldn't have to cook. Especially when because Lupus has once again reared it's ugly head and started pounding on my body. It's part of my life that I have come to accept. Most of the time.
At this point, he is great in my eyes. He always is.
We go to the all you can eat Chinese buffet. I am very happy. Can hardly walk upright, but very happy.
I must take advantage of the "ALL YOU CAN EAT" part of this and stuff my face. We have a very nice dinner. All 5 of us.
But, since I am already out, I believe that I must at least get to the supermarket after dinner to get some things we NEED in the house (now keep that word NEED in your memory for a bit.)
So we go to Ingles. We get two cases of bottled water, low fat ice cream sandwiches for my hubby, and I forget what else. We pay. I remember I NEED cigarettes (yes I said NEED.) Hubby and the rest of them take the packages to the car. I am in my glory because other people are dealing with the package situation. Yes, it's a situation when you can hardly walk upright.
I proceed to Customer Service to get the cigarettes I NEED. Picture this scenario.....
Behind this monumental structure they call Customer Service, there are three individuals behind the supposedly bullet proof glass. A structure that reminds me of the Pope Mobile. I proceed to say.......
One carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX Please. No one responds. I suppose that bullet proof glass gives them some sort of misdirected sense of anonymity. I don't really know. I ask again....... May I have one carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX please.
I digress........ In my twisted sense of reality, I smoke lights because I probably believe that lights are better than regular strength. I know it's not true, but hey it makes me feel better that I do indulge in this "disgusting habit." I like to smoke and in my mind it's either MARLBOR LIGHTS 100 BOX or crack.
Back to Ingles..... I am still not being heard so I ask again ......... May I have one carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX please. I don't remember if this is the third or fourth time I have asked. I am getting anxious. I even have a coupon.
Then as if out of nowhere, someone in a crisp, green Ingles smock is standing beside me. I am thrilled. Maybe she can hear me?
I go on to ask her............ Is there a sound barrier between me and them. I point to the three, who are still chatting and not seeing me or hearing me. They do, in fact, see her. Maybe it's her smock? Who knows?
She motions to them. They ask me if they can help me. Three people to get me a carton of cigarettes seems a little extreme to me. But after all they are cigarettes and I do NEED them.
I ask again.......... May I have one carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX please. I add I have a coupon too. Someone retrieves the cigarettes. I am thrilled. I am handing one of them my coupon.
This was not the person who retrieved the cigarettes. He looks perplexed. I motion to the other "customer service" person who still has my cigarettes in her hand but is still holding what must be an important conversation. I cannot hear what it is because of the sound barrier.
Finally, they appear to get in sinc. They are all ringing me up. I ask, just to make sure..... Those are 100 box? I get a yeah. I hand my coupon to the person who looks the most in charge and pay. I leave.
I get home and the cigarettes are not 100s.
This past Saturday my son tells me that he would like to take the family out to dinner.
Why, you ask? You know you are wondering.
My son thinks that I shouldn't have to cook. Especially when because Lupus has once again reared it's ugly head and started pounding on my body. It's part of my life that I have come to accept. Most of the time.
At this point, he is great in my eyes. He always is.
We go to the all you can eat Chinese buffet. I am very happy. Can hardly walk upright, but very happy.
I must take advantage of the "ALL YOU CAN EAT" part of this and stuff my face. We have a very nice dinner. All 5 of us.
But, since I am already out, I believe that I must at least get to the supermarket after dinner to get some things we NEED in the house (now keep that word NEED in your memory for a bit.)
So we go to Ingles. We get two cases of bottled water, low fat ice cream sandwiches for my hubby, and I forget what else. We pay. I remember I NEED cigarettes (yes I said NEED.) Hubby and the rest of them take the packages to the car. I am in my glory because other people are dealing with the package situation. Yes, it's a situation when you can hardly walk upright.
I proceed to Customer Service to get the cigarettes I NEED. Picture this scenario.....
Behind this monumental structure they call Customer Service, there are three individuals behind the supposedly bullet proof glass. A structure that reminds me of the Pope Mobile. I proceed to say.......
One carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX Please. No one responds. I suppose that bullet proof glass gives them some sort of misdirected sense of anonymity. I don't really know. I ask again....... May I have one carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX please.
I digress........ In my twisted sense of reality, I smoke lights because I probably believe that lights are better than regular strength. I know it's not true, but hey it makes me feel better that I do indulge in this "disgusting habit." I like to smoke and in my mind it's either MARLBOR LIGHTS 100 BOX or crack.
Back to Ingles..... I am still not being heard so I ask again ......... May I have one carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX please. I don't remember if this is the third or fourth time I have asked. I am getting anxious. I even have a coupon.
Then as if out of nowhere, someone in a crisp, green Ingles smock is standing beside me. I am thrilled. Maybe she can hear me?
I go on to ask her............ Is there a sound barrier between me and them. I point to the three, who are still chatting and not seeing me or hearing me. They do, in fact, see her. Maybe it's her smock? Who knows?
She motions to them. They ask me if they can help me. Three people to get me a carton of cigarettes seems a little extreme to me. But after all they are cigarettes and I do NEED them.
I ask again.......... May I have one carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX please. I add I have a coupon too. Someone retrieves the cigarettes. I am thrilled. I am handing one of them my coupon.
This was not the person who retrieved the cigarettes. He looks perplexed. I motion to the other "customer service" person who still has my cigarettes in her hand but is still holding what must be an important conversation. I cannot hear what it is because of the sound barrier.
Finally, they appear to get in sinc. They are all ringing me up. I ask, just to make sure..... Those are 100 box? I get a yeah. I hand my coupon to the person who looks the most in charge and pay. I leave.
I get home and the cigarettes are not 100s.
Friday, April 2, 2010
The birds are singing outside. Normally this sound would make me feel full of life. But not today. The last few days have been horrific with Lupus flaring it's ugly head once again. They tell me that there is no rhyme or reason for what makes it flare. Check out the Lupus Foundation website to know more about his disease. So many things have happened during the last few months, no wonder my body is retaliating. Everyone tells me to forget about these things. Easier said than done. Believe me I don't think that I am a drama queen. I would much rather things be quiet and uneventful. And, if I could forget I really would. And, I don't want to go into details, that might be the first step to help me get over stuff. In any event, today I am literally dragging. As far as I know I am NOT dying. This I am sure of. But my body feels like I have been run over by a 18 wheeler. Please pray for me.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
I am often asked why I have a blog. Why, I am asked, do I put my thoughts out there for everyone to read? I've never given a definitive answer to this question. More times than not I have skirted around the issue.
I am not ashamed of my thoughts. Nor am I concerned about what those who read this will think, say or do. If when you read this you find something that helps you. My job is done. I write what I feel. It's my life. Mine to do with as I want.
So here it is. Here is the answer. I do it for no other reason than to write. I love it. I love that I may have the ability to put my thoughts down in a way that I never imagined I could.
I am not ashamed of my thoughts. Nor am I concerned about what those who read this will think, say or do. If when you read this you find something that helps you. My job is done. I write what I feel. It's my life. Mine to do with as I want.
So here it is. Here is the answer. I do it for no other reason than to write. I love it. I love that I may have the ability to put my thoughts down in a way that I never imagined I could.
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