LONELY

I'm depressed.

There is no doubt about it.

I have no energy or desire to do anything.

Why?  Can I blame it on Lupus?  I dunno.

Partly, I guess.

It's such a vicious circle living with a chronic debilitating illness.

I am so very lonely.

 

Conundrums

I'm tired.

I'm always tired.

I can't always sleep.

If I did that I would spend all my time sleeping.

There is more to life than sleeping, right?

If I don't get the sleep my body requires then I won't be capable of doing all the more to life stuff.

Don't you just love conundrums?

Good Morning!!!

I know that I haven't been writing much lately.

I've been having some major cognitive events.  It's weird because it comes and goes.  I feel like I can't put a thought together and then I am ok.

Strange.

My hips are still not better.  There is no more reddness, but boy do they hurt.  My knee, which wasn't as bad still hurts too.

My feet and calves are swollen again.  And, I am still taking Lasix!

On a better note, I am having a lot of fun maintaining my EBay store.  It's called OCCUPY MY TIME.  Here is the link http://stores.ebay.com/OCCUPY-MY-TIME_W0QQssPageNameZl2QQtZkm.

I just love it.  Check it out.  I sell all sorts of nifty things.  I'm adding new stuff all the time.

Well, that's it for now.

Hugs, Lu

TRY THIS

I FOUND THIS IN DAWN'S JOURNAL.  I WOULD SUPPLY THE LINK BUT I CAN'T GET THE LITTLE HEART TO APPEAR HERE WHEN I TRY TO MOVE IT.  OH WELL.  CHECK OUT THE SIDE OF MY JOURNAL FOR THE LINK TO HER JOURNAL.

Anyone else want to do it?  Just copy and paste and change to your answers.
---------------------------------------

I Am  a wife, mother, lover, friend, sister, daughter! 

I Want  to live according to God's will.  It's not so easy, but having faith helps! 

I Have  the best husband in the world! 

I Wish  I never met Lupus. 

I Hate  Lupus.

I Fear  not seeing my children married with children of their own.

I Hear  the television in the background.

I Search  for peace of mind. 

I Wonder  why some things happen. 

I Regret   Felice not wanting to be my friend anymore.

I Love  my husband and children so much.

I Ache  when someone I care about hurts. 

I Always try to do what is right.

I Usually  fall asleep on the couch.

I Am Not  a mean person.

I Dance  less than I would like to.

I Sing  even though I can't hold a tune at all.

I Never  lie. 

I Rarely  get out.

I Cry  a lot.

I Am  hoping to move to South Carolina within the next six years.

I'm Confused  a lot.

I Need  to stop smoking.

I Should  lose weight.

TODAY

I am feeling very crappie today.  My legs are really hurting.  I think it's because I really didn't sleep much.  I ended up falling a sleep on and off on the couch sitting up.

But, anyway I have some stuff that needs to be taken care of today.  Lauren and her boyfriend painted her room over the weekend.  She needs a new area rug, a new bed, a computer desk and some sort of small entertainment center for her television, stereo and all that nifty stuff.  She painted the walls and ceiling white.  Not a stark white.  It's called frost.  I hate white walls, any kind of white.  The majority of my house is painted a color called Navajo white.  It's a cream color.  She painted the trim in her room purple.  Yup, I said purple.  That's what she wanted, so that's what she got.  It needs another coat.  You know what happens when you paint a dark color over white.

I am sitting here waiting for the girls that clean my house to get here.  They should be here a little after nine.  Yes, I hired cleaning people.  It is the best thing I have ever done.  They take care of cleaning all the hard jobs.  The kitchen, bathroom. The floors and walls.  All the dusting and polishing.  They even do the inside of my microwave and change the sheets on my bed. Plus they do an excellent job.  Hiring them lets me use my energy for other things.  Fun things.

I still cannot do the food shopping thing.  Yesterday Lauren and I ran to the little supermarket to pick up stuff for dinner.  We were only in there for about 20 minutes.  I had such a difficult time walking back to the car.  Thank God she brought the packages in.  Tonight I am making chicken in my counter top convection oven.  I love cooking in that and my slow cooker.  Makes my life a lot easier.  And, I can set it on the table and sit in a chair while I prepare meals.

I'm thinking that my legs and feet are swollen.  I really can't tell if they are or not. I did the thing where you push down on a spot and see what happens.  Nothing happens.  But they feel so tight.  My feet look enormous.  I have big feetbut they are not wide.  To me, right now, they look so fat.  Oh well, I will see what happens.

Please have a blessed day my friends.

THANK YOU ALL

To all of you who left comments for my last journal entry, I want to thank you.  I hope you know how much those words meant to me.  Each one of you left me very inspirational and encouraging messages.

It's so true that only those who have experienced this kind of pain and fatigue can understand. 

Although, I need to include my Hubby here as well.  He has been so amazing during the last few years.  When I thank him, he tells me that "There is no reason to thank him.  He married me in sickness and in health.  It's his job to take care of me.  Plus he loves me and this is what you do when you love someone."

Between him, my children and all of you out there in cyberspace my mood has improved and I am no longer hitting myself on the head and blaming me for all that has happened to me.

Whoever said that you can never know a person you meet on the net was so wrong.  You guys (even those who were sent here by Dawn....thank you Sweetie) do know me.

I am very grateful for all of you.  Thank you so much!

I AM A NUT JOB

Good Morning Kind Readers.

Recently it was explained to me that all I ever talk about is my illness and that I never have anything good to report when I speak to her.

This puts me in a quandary because I don't know who is being insensitive here.

Is is me?  Because this is pretty much the case.  I don't have any good news lately. 

Every time I turn around something else is happening to me.  Recently, it has been my back issues.

She told me that everyone has back problems and that mine aren't that special. Like I am trying to be "special."  Lord knows how much I wish I wasn't "special."  You see I used to go out every once in a while with a few of the girls on a Friday night.  It was fun to get out and I really wish I could do that again.  It was inferred that I have no motivation any more.  I was given examples of other people who have this or that and manage to get out and even go to work.

If me having to sit on the floor two Saturdays ago in Pathmark because my legs and back were in so much pain that I couldn't support myself upright any longer didn't make me feel bad, this conversation did.

Is it her that is insensitive?  As far as she is concerned, I am not the LuAnne that she once knew.  I am not the LuAnne who made her feel better when she was feeling overwhelmed.  I am not the same friend she once had.  It was even brought to my attention that I was avoiding her for some reason.

Am I giving in to the distress of my illness?  Am I using it as an excuse?  Gee, am I crazy for thinking this way.  Of course, a person like me who was very active before my illness came to live in my body, loves sitting on the couch most of the day.  I love making plans to get into the shower because having a shower takes everything out of me.  Who would not love to live this way?  Oh and who loves to walk around with a cane and use the scooters that the supermarkets provide for those of us who need them?  Aren't they just there for kids to ride on like a trip to the Go Cart Fun Center.

Yup, I like to live like this.  It is my choice.  When I was a little girl this is how I dreamed my life would be.  I dreamt that I would nap during the day.  I imagined that I would be unable to walk up the stairs from the laundry room.  That laundry would pile up for days. 

Little girls don't dream of their grown up lives to be like this.

What I dream about now is being able to hop in the shower, rush and get dressed and go about my daily life.

Why doesn't anyone get it?  We can't even use the "Invisible Illness" defense for this dilemma because I look like crap.

You know something that is very funny.  This same person (most people really) aren't able to cope with stuff that happens to them.  They get a headache and it's the end of the world.  Their doctor schedules a colonoscopy and they fret for days afterwards.  Take to their beds right after the camera goes up their butts.  Or, have a tooth pulled, capped or a root canal and they are complaining about the pain for days and days. Then they say to me, and you think you are in pain.  Amazing.

I get remarks that are so bizarre that it blows me away sometimes.  Here is one example...... Someone called and told me that they needed to have a fatty growth removed from their arm.  Their doctor scheduled this procedure six weeks later.  It was like a catastrophe.  The doctor was lax.  The doctor didn't know how much she wanted to get this over with.  Who was going to come to her house and help her with her family?  How big would the scare be?  All this after the doctor told her that there was no reason to do this procedure.  But because she whined and complained he scheduled it.

It amazes me.

I still haven't learned.  I still haven't learned to just say I am "okay."  I still believe that people really are concerned about my health.

The end result to all of this is that I am a nut job for believing all of that.

But, I still felt bad and my mood still changed.  I still cried.  I've already lost two friends because I am sick.  I guess I am on the road to losing another.