Monday Morning Question

Monday Morning Question:

How did you find out about AOL Journals and come to start your own?  What made you want to start a journal? From Krissy's Journal

I got the idea from LORETTA'S JOURNAL .  Loretta is a great online friend and she started her journal and told me it was a wonderful release for her.  So I started my own.  She was right.  Always is, I call her my "Wise Friend."  Because Loretta is so insightful and always full of wonderful support.  Of course, she is because she is not only kind, considerate and loving but she is a licensed Social Worker.  So she has the entire package.

I love writing in my journal, although some times I am not as diligent as I should be.

 

 

 

WHY ME?

Tonight I sat and cried.  I cried because I cannot stand being

in pain any more.  I cried because each and every pain

is blamed on Lupus, etc.  I cried because there is nothing that

can be done to alleviate my pain aside from medicating myself

and becoming nothing more than a shell of the woman I used

to be.  I cried because I am angry.  But, mostly I cried

because I finally said, "Why Me?"  I thought I was above this

kind of thinking.  I believed so much that I could handle this. 

Tonight I am having a very hard time with what is going in my

health life.  What should I complain about?  What should I tell

you about?  Should it be the constant joint pain?  Or how

about muscle pain?  I could tell you how paralyzing my fatigue

is sometimes.  I might even be able to say I have a pain in my

head.  Let’s talk about the pain that I still have at the site of

my inguinal hernia repair.  All of which is not alleviated by my

“Big Gun” meds any longer. 

 

So what’s next?  There has been talk of contacting a pain

management specialist.  “They know how to control your pain.” 

My PCP says.  My answer to him was ……… “What could this

kind of doctor give me now?  I have already been prescribed

morphine.  What’s next?  Heroine? I’ve tried that I

 Dilaudid is synthetic heroine.

 

I’m not usually so down trodden, it’s just getting to me

tonight.  Plus I am anxious about going to the Coumadin

Center in the morning.  Remember on Friday my level was way

too high.  I have a feeling I will be too low on Monday.  It’s

just the way it is, this happens all the time.

 

I have not smoked.  I want to smoke.  But I believe that if I

can stop something from happening to my body I WILL do it. 

There is so much going on that I have no control of, I need to

do this.  I don’t know how it is for others.  I only know what is

going on in my head.  I put the patch on when I remember. 

Mostly I am going cold turkey.  And, it’s hard, it’s very hard. 

But it is getting easier.  Hours will go by before I even think

about a cigarette.

 

Boy am I a bummer tonight.  I’m sorry, I really am.  I think I

just need a good night’s sleep or someone to explain to me

how they can fix these things.  Pray for me tonight please. 

I’m feeling hopeless which is pretty stupid because there are

so many others in this world whose health ismuch worse than

 mine. Pray that I remember that once again.

 

Good Night My Friends......... I'm praying for you too. 

 

Weekend Assignment #67: Bad Movie Marathon!

Weekend Assignment #67: Bad Movie Marathon!

Weekend Assignment #67: Bad Movie Marathon! Share your favorite bad film of all time. Tell us why you love it so.

Mine is Pretty Woman........ Starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. It's a love story.  Sort of like a fairy tale, like Cinderella.  I found this forum and it's amazing how serious people are.....Movie Cat's Pad @ MovieForum.com #3561.1  It was just an entertaining movie as far as I am concerned.

Extra Credit........After Vivian bought all new clothing and didn't look like a hooker anymore she went back to the store where the women wouldn't help her and she said.

I was in here yesterday, you wouldn't wait on me. The woman in the store says something like Oh. But Vivian looks at her and says........You people work on commission right? The store woman says, Yeah and Vivian goes on to say......Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now!

I just love that line

JUST ANOTHER LUPIE EVENING

 

I guess I am feeling okay?

 I put a question mark after that statement because I

really don’t know how I am feeling.  It’s been one of those

weeks and I have a feeling that I am going to flare big

time.  I’ve been so very tired but unable to sleep at night. 

 

Of course there is the pain …… joint and muscle pain.  I

have been living on my “Big Gun” meds.  I don’t like it but

 I have no choice when I start feeling this kind of pain.

 (I really wish that they would legalize the use of medical

marijuana! But that’s for another journal entry.)

 

 

So, I go to get my coumadin levels checked today and

my level is way too high… 8.6.  As we all know my target

range is 2.5 to 3.5.  I’m like more than double what I am

supposed to be. I got the lecture from them as to what I

should be on the look out for… abnormal bleeding from

any orifice, vision changes, and headaches.  I have just

one question.  What is considered abnormal because I

live with these things almost daily?  And, you do know that

at around 5:00 or so I started to get the most unbearable

pain in my head.  It felt like someone hit me on the head

with a hammer.  Nothing would work to take the pain

away.  I took two Tylenol 4 ……… nothing …….. Drank

some green tea because I need to do the Vitamin K thing

when my levels are too high. Nothing.  I took my nighttime

meds (holding the coumadin) plus another two Tylenol 4. 

 

Now the pain is bearable.  I hate taking the “Big Gun”

meds because they screw me up big time.  My sleep is

going to be screwed up and I am going to want sweets. 

Sort of like the munchies.  But I really have no choice

when I feel like this.

 

 

I’m really doing well with the NO SMOKING.  I want one but

really can’t imagine smoking.  I really want to breathe. 

Still can’t walk far without gasping for air and having

palpitations.

 

 

Tomorrow is Lauren’s graduation party.  It’s a party for her

and her friends.  Hubby is going to BBQ.  That should be a

blast.  After tomorrow night I canpass out and not worry

about any more events.  I am so sick sometimes that I feel

like my children miss out on stuff.  I a so happy that Lauren

was able to go to her prom and I could do all the Mommy

stuff for her.  Her graduation was great.  When I scan her

picture I’ll upload it onto here.  She really looked

beautiful.  She is cleaning up the house as I type.

 

 

 

Well, good night for now.  I am praying for all my Lupie

buds and for all you whoare reading my journal.  Thank

you for your wonderful comments.

 

 

 

 

Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. Hebrews 12:11 

Still not smoking..........

Breathing.......

I know that I haven't been writing much about me lately.  I'm having a hard time putting stuff into words.

The good news is that I  have been smoke free for about one week.  Had to stop, there were no if's, and's or but's about it.  My last visit to the ER was not a pleasant one.  I was having a hard time breathing and my heart was pounding.  The hospital doctor ordered every test imaginable to rule out a pulmonary embolism.  Considering my history with strokes and antiphisiploid syndrome he said he just had to check.  Turns out I was having an asthma attack and had some fluid in my lungs.  Well, that's what they told me in the ER.  I was admitted and after they had time to study the tests taken, it was determined I have the beginning of emphysemia.  Except that I was discharged by my primary care physician before the pulmonologist got there to see me.  I was given a puffer.  My rheumi gave me the name of one he recommends.  Okay, so here we go with yet another "ologist" and more meds.  Just what I need.