Tuesday, July 11, 2006


I am feeling very crappie today.  My legs are really hurting.  I think it's because I really didn't sleep much.  I ended up falling a sleep on and off on the couch sitting up.

But, anyway I have some stuff that needs to be taken care of today.  Lauren and her boyfriend painted her room over the weekend.  She needs a new area rug, a new bed, a computer desk and some sort of small entertainment center for her television, stereo and all that nifty stuff.  She painted the walls and ceiling white.  Not a stark white.  It's called frost.  I hate white walls, any kind of white.  The majority of my house is painted a color called Navajo white.  It's a cream color.  She painted the trim in her room purple.  Yup, I said purple.  That's what she wanted, so that's what she got.  It needs another coat.  You know what happens when you paint a dark color over white.

I am sitting here waiting for the girls that clean my house to get here.  They should be here a little after nine.  Yes, I hired cleaning people.  It is the best thing I have ever done.  They take care of cleaning all the hard jobs.  The kitchen, bathroom. The floors and walls.  All the dusting and polishing.  They even do the inside of my microwave and change the sheets on my bed. Plus they do an excellent job.  Hiring them lets me use my energy for other things.  Fun things.

I still cannot do the food shopping thing.  Yesterday Lauren and I ran to the little supermarket to pick up stuff for dinner.  We were only in there for about 20 minutes.  I had such a difficult time walking back to the car.  Thank God she brought the packages in.  Tonight I am making chicken in my counter top convection oven.  I love cooking in that and my slow cooker.  Makes my life a lot easier.  And, I can set it on the table and sit in a chair while I prepare meals.

I'm thinking that my legs and feet are swollen.  I really can't tell if they are or not. I did the thing where you push down on a spot and see what happens.  Nothing happens.  But they feel so tight.  My feet look enormous.  I have big feetbut they are not wide.  To me, right now, they look so fat.  Oh well, I will see what happens.

Please have a blessed day my friends.

Monday, July 10, 2006


To all of you who left comments for my last journal entry, I want to thank you.  I hope you know how much those words meant to me.  Each one of you left me very inspirational and encouraging messages.

It's so true that only those who have experienced this kind of pain and fatigue can understand. 

Although, I need to include my Hubby here as well.  He has been so amazing during the last few years.  When I thank him, he tells me that "There is no reason to thank him.  He married me in sickness and in health.  It's his job to take care of me.  Plus he loves me and this is what you do when you love someone."

Between him, my children and all of you out there in cyberspace my mood has improved and I am no longer hitting myself on the head and blaming me for all that has happened to me.

Whoever said that you can never know a person you meet on the net was so wrong.  You guys (even those who were sent here by Dawn....thank you Sweetie) do know me.

I am very grateful for all of you.  Thank you so much!


Good Morning Kind Readers.

Recently it was explained to me that all I ever talk about is my illness and that I never have anything good to report when I speak to her.

This puts me in a quandary because I don't know who is being insensitive here.

Is is me?  Because this is pretty much the case.  I don't have any good news lately. 

Every time I turn around something else is happening to me.  Recently, it has been my back issues.

She told me that everyone has back problems and that mine aren't that special. Like I am trying to be "special."  Lord knows how much I wish I wasn't "special."  You see I used to go out every once in a while with a few of the girls on a Friday night.  It was fun to get out and I really wish I could do that again.  It was inferred that I have no motivation any more.  I was given examples of other people who have this or that and manage to get out and even go to work.

If me having to sit on the floor two Saturdays ago in Pathmark because my legs and back were in so much pain that I couldn't support myself upright any longer didn't make me feel bad, this conversation did.

Is it her that is insensitive?  As far as she is concerned, I am not the LuAnne that she once knew.  I am not the LuAnne who made her feel better when she was feeling overwhelmed.  I am not the same friend she once had.  It was even brought to my attention that I was avoiding her for some reason.

Am I giving in to the distress of my illness?  Am I using it as an excuse?  Gee, am I crazy for thinking this way.  Of course, a person like me who was very active before my illness came to live in my body, loves sitting on the couch most of the day.  I love making plans to get into the shower because having a shower takes everything out of me.  Who would not love to live this way?  Oh and who loves to walk around with a cane and use the scooters that the supermarkets provide for those of us who need them?  Aren't they just there for kids to ride on like a trip to the Go Cart Fun Center.

Yup, I like to live like this.  It is my choice.  When I was a little girl this is how I dreamed my life would be.  I dreamt that I would nap during the day.  I imagined that I would be unable to walk up the stairs from the laundry room.  That laundry would pile up for days. 

Little girls don't dream of their grown up lives to be like this.

What I dream about now is being able to hop in the shower, rush and get dressed and go about my daily life.

Why doesn't anyone get it?  We can't even use the "Invisible Illness" defense for this dilemma because I look like crap.

You know something that is very funny.  This same person (most people really) aren't able to cope with stuff that happens to them.  They get a headache and it's the end of the world.  Their doctor schedules a colonoscopy and they fret for days afterwards.  Take to their beds right after the camera goes up their butts.  Or, have a tooth pulled, capped or a root canal and they are complaining about the pain for days and days. Then they say to me, and you think you are in pain.  Amazing.

I get remarks that are so bizarre that it blows me away sometimes.  Here is one example...... Someone called and told me that they needed to have a fatty growth removed from their arm.  Their doctor scheduled this procedure six weeks later.  It was like a catastrophe.  The doctor was lax.  The doctor didn't know how much she wanted to get this over with.  Who was going to come to her house and help her with her family?  How big would the scare be?  All this after the doctor told her that there was no reason to do this procedure.  But because she whined and complained he scheduled it.

It amazes me.

I still haven't learned.  I still haven't learned to just say I am "okay."  I still believe that people really are concerned about my health.

The end result to all of this is that I am a nut job for believing all of that.

But, I still felt bad and my mood still changed.  I still cried.  I've already lost two friends because I am sick.  I guess I am on the road to losing another.

Friday, July 7, 2006


I received this via email from motherearthgifts@aol.com and thought it was worth including it as a journal entry.  You should also check out her message board at http://www.lupusmctd.com/.  It's well worth it.




An Angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."

1. Pray

2. Go to bed on time.

3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.

4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule or that will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others.

6. Simplify and uncluttered your life.

7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)

8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.

9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.

10. Take one day at a time.

11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.

12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.

14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.   

15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.

16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest.

18. Eat right.

19. Get organized so everything has its place.

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.

22. Every day, find time to be alone.

23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.

24. Make friends with Godly people.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.

26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus."

27. Laugh.

28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).

31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).


32. Sit on your ego.

33. Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.

35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.

36.Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.




"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)


A friend

I’ve been thinking a lot about her lately.


I never believed it when people would write that friendships could end.  After all we had been friends for so long.  Over three decades.  How could something that lasted so long end?

But friendships can be lost   When long friendships are lost there is no way to find them again.  When our friendship ended I lost a part of myself.

During the last years of our friendship, it was mainly phone conversations.  Sometimes we would go for months.  But then when we were on the phone, it was as if no time had passed at all.

I still lament over the loss.  SometimesI forget and start to pick up the telephone to call her.  Then I remember and that is when my heart breaks all over again.


Because it all comes back to me.  That it was lost in an email.  No personal contact.  No chance to speak about what was wrong.  All I got was that she lost interest. 


I now know that friendships do not last. That friendships lose importance and wither away. I now know that there is always pain when you lose a friend.


I've been thinking about her.  I’ve been thinking that we have friends that come in and out of our lives.


I have also been thinking that nothing that happened with her could be explained.  I do have to give her credit for at least ending it.  And, as much as it hurt me, at least there was an end. But what happened still confuses me.


I used to go over our years of being friends.  Trying to figure out if it was my fault.  I know that in her mind it was something.  And, yes, we are never guiltless.  But, whatever had occurred was, in my mind, nothing major enough to dismiss a life long friendship


I still talk about the times we shared throughout the years.  But I have put her in a different place in my heart I don’t have to stop loving her or caring about her merely because she didn’t want to be in my life anymore?


If she called tomorrow and wanted to be friends again, I couldn’t.

Monday, July 3, 2006

Lonely and Frustrated

I'm still feeling quite lonely. 

There is really no one to talk to. 

No one to do stuff with. 

The other day when Hubby and I went grocery shopping I had to stop and sit down on the floor because my back and legs felt like they were going to give out.

I can't even get into a shower without this happening.

But, yet, I still try to do things. 

Although, this weekend after the grocery shopping fiasco, I felt very bad for myself. 

Hubby, delicately I might add, suggested that if I lost weight my back might feel better.  He is right.  I have gained so much weight in the last three years.  With all my other health issues, this weight gain could only make it worse.

I need to do something about this.  There are so many different weight loss options out there.  Weight Watchers?  Some sort of program like Nutrisystem?  Weight loss surgery.

What decision should I make?

I'll research all the options.

First, there is Weight Watchers.  With this program I have had a lot of success.  If you don't already know, before my illness got worse I had just lost over 100 pounds on Weight Watchers.  At that time I found it was very easy for me to follow their program.

I will probably choose Weight Watchers.  Maybe I might go today.