At the Supermarket

Okay, picture this in your mind.

This past Saturday my son tells me that he would like to take the family out to dinner.

Why, you ask? You know you are wondering.

My son thinks that I shouldn't have to cook. Especially when because Lupus has once again reared it's ugly head and started pounding on my body. It's part of my life that I have come to accept. Most of the time.

At this point, he is great in my eyes. He always is.

We go to the all you can eat Chinese buffet. I am very happy. Can hardly walk upright, but very happy.

I must take advantage of the "ALL YOU CAN EAT" part of this and stuff my face. We have a very nice dinner. All 5 of us.

But, since I am already out, I believe that I must at least get to the supermarket after dinner to get some things we NEED in the house (now keep that word NEED in your memory for a bit.)

So we go to Ingles. We get two cases of bottled water, low fat ice cream sandwiches for my hubby, and I forget what else. We pay. I remember I NEED cigarettes (yes I said NEED.) Hubby and the rest of them take the packages to the car. I am in my glory because other people are dealing with the package situation. Yes, it's a situation when you can hardly walk upright.

I proceed to Customer Service to get the cigarettes I NEED. Picture this scenario.....

Behind this monumental structure they call Customer Service, there are three individuals behind the supposedly bullet proof glass. A structure that reminds me of the Pope Mobile. I proceed to say.......

One carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX Please. No one responds. I suppose that bullet proof glass gives them some sort of misdirected sense of anonymity. I don't really know. I ask again....... May I have one carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX please.

I digress........ In my twisted sense of reality, I smoke lights because I probably believe that lights are better than regular strength. I know it's not true, but hey it makes me feel better that I do indulge in this "disgusting habit." I like to smoke and in my mind it's either MARLBOR LIGHTS 100 BOX or crack.

Back to Ingles..... I am still not being heard so I ask again ......... May I have one carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX please. I don't remember if this is the third or fourth time I have asked. I am getting anxious. I even have a coupon.

Then as if out of nowhere, someone in a crisp, green Ingles smock is standing beside me. I am thrilled. Maybe she can hear me?

I go on to ask her............ Is there a sound barrier between me and them. I point to the three, who are still chatting and not seeing me or hearing me. They do, in fact, see her. Maybe it's her smock? Who knows?

She motions to them. They ask me if they can help me. Three people to get me a carton of cigarettes seems a little extreme to me. But after all they are cigarettes and I do NEED them.

I ask again.......... May I have one carton of MARLBORO LIGHTS 100 BOX please. I add I have a coupon too. Someone retrieves the cigarettes. I am thrilled. I am handing one of them my coupon.

This was not the person who retrieved the cigarettes. He looks perplexed. I motion to the other "customer service" person who still has my cigarettes in her hand but is still holding what must be an important conversation. I cannot hear what it is because of the sound barrier.

Finally, they appear to get in sinc. They are all ringing me up. I ask, just to make sure..... Those are 100 box? I get a yeah. I hand my coupon to the person who looks the most in charge and pay. I leave.

I get home and the cigarettes are not 100s.

The birds are singing outside. Normally this sound would make me feel full of life. But not today. The last few days have been horrific with Lupus flaring it's ugly head once again. They tell me that there is no rhyme or reason for what makes it flare. Check out the Lupus Foundation website to know more about his disease. So many things have happened during the last few months, no wonder my body is retaliating. Everyone tells me to forget about these things. Easier said than done. Believe me I don't think that I am a drama queen. I would much rather things be quiet and uneventful. And, if I could forget I really would. And, I don't want to go into details, that might be the first step to help me get over stuff. In any event, today I am literally dragging. As far as I know I am NOT dying. This I am sure of. But my body feels like I have been run over by a 18 wheeler. Please pray for me.

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I am often asked why I have a blog. Why, I am asked, do I put my thoughts out there for everyone to read? I've never given a definitive answer to this question. More times than not I have skirted around the issue.

I am not ashamed of my thoughts. Nor am I concerned about what those who read this will think, say or do. If when you read this you find something that helps you. My job is done. I write what I feel. It's my life. Mine to do with as I want.

So here it is. Here is the answer. I do it for no other reason than to write. I love it. I love that I may have the ability to put my thoughts down in a way that I never imagined I could.

Hey everyone. It's been quite some time since I wrote anything. I really have no reason except to say that I haven't really felt like it. I hope you all are well. Or as well as can be expected. WHAT IS HAPPINESS??? It has been quite difficult for me to understand so much. Difficult for me to be in tune with the observable facts that present themselves in my life. What makes one being feel blissful may bring about distress to another. This is the stuff that wars are started over. It appears difficult for me because I have always known that each one of us in, in fact, an individual. There are groups dedicated to an idea of how things should be done. But in those groups there are differences. This is because we still are different. Different in the way we think. Different in the way we do things. Perceive things. People are diverse. The question still remains. Can the answer be as simple as what brings a smile to our faces? Is it that straightforward? It should be. But it doesn't always happen that way. I smile when I observe others smiling. I am genuinely delighted to hear about the good things that happen to others. Oh, don't get me wrong.... I have been known to judge more times than I care to admit. We are all guilty of this. That is what makes us human. My imperfection. The list is long. But it is what it is. I do not think that I am making much sense here. Here is where I am trying to go with this....... I want to be comfortable in an imperfect world. Not to be intolerant but to be forbearing and most of all understanding. I want to submit to my limitations and those of others with a pleasing and compassionate spirit. So what is happiness? It's just the smile on a face. What puts that smile there does not matter what it is that causes those facial muscles to form that smile. As long as it is not menacing or perverse. Not cruel, just loving (you know what I am trying to get at here). I so want to love and be loved. For who you are. For who I am.