Monday, September 9, 2013

Remember me?  My name is LuAnne.  I was born on May 14, 1957.  I do not know what the weather was like on that May day. I do not know what was going on in the world then.  Nor do I know how my parents felt regarding my birth. Or how anyone, for that matter, felt about my birth. No one has ever told me the story of my birth. I have been told, though, of the circumstances surrounding my mother's pregnancy.  I have been informed, more times than I care to remember, that no one was happy about me coming into the world.  I do not remember my early years.  Most of us don't.  The funny thing about it, is that I do not remember much of my childhood.  All I can remember is tears and fear.  There were no good times.  I craved that, this much I can remember.  I do remember viewing my friend's families with disbelief.  Were their families normal and mine abnormal?  Or visa versa?

As a young girl, I looked for love wherever I could find it.  I would situate myself into the lives of those around me.  I lived for those moments when I could feel some sort of a family life.  Some sort of love.  When I became a young teenage girl, I still craved love.  Still looked for it wherever I could find it.  I still never found it.  I guess we cannot find something when we do not know what we are looking for.  How can we find what we do not know?

At 26, after one failed marriage, I found it.  I found a man who loved me for me.  A man who looked at me as if I was the only woman in the world.  He loves me and I knew I loved him.  I threw myself into the family we created.  Relished the birth of my children.  Showed love and felt love.  This man who I married gave me that.  He gave me the truth of what love is. He showed me what I had been looking for.  He showed me how to love. 

I remember the day and what it was like when each one of my children were born.  And, I told them these joys.  Even as little babies, I told them stories of our excitement and anticipation that surrounded their births.  I charmed them.  I, so much, wanted them to know.  I never wanted them to have questions.  I swore to show them love each and every day.  I wanted them to know and always be sure that their mother and father loved them.  I am sure that I have succeeded in doing that as they have grown up into amazing adults who show love and know love.

My life may have started out with questions and even though I never had the answers that I so wanted, my life as a wife and a mother blew away those questions.

Those questions do pop up every so often.  Mostly when I am reminded that I am not good enough for those that caused me to have those questions.  Why do I even care?  There is never an answer.  And, maybe there never can be one.  Who cares?

All I know is that those mysteries have brought me to the place that I am now in.  I am a woman with a loving husband and amazing children who know who they are.  And, now a grandson who starts this wonderful process all over again.

Can I take credit for this?  Yes, I can.  You bet I do.  And, that makes me one happy woman.  Thank you Gary for giving me this life and our amazing children.

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