Who would want to be around me lately? I wouldn't if I had the choice.

It's been a very emotional couple of weeks for me.  As I begin to realize that I have limitations.  I am trying very hard to accept this.

I had to go to my primary care doctor on Friday because I have a wound on my breast that just won't heal.  I've had it for just about three months now. I injured myself (don't laugh) by getting my breast caught between two laundry baskets. THREE TIMES Two of them were on the same exact spot and this is the wound that is not healing.  My doctor said I needed to get to see the breast surgeon right away, so I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon.  The wound is very ugly. Raw.  It's like a quarter sized crater.  It's oozing clear liquid.  He said that most likely it's because of the steroids and immunosuppressants that I am taking that is hindering the healing process.  Boy does it hurt.

I was also told that I have a heart murmur.  Apparently it's been there all the while.  But, he wants a echo cardiogram done just to check it out.

As the phrase goes....... I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED.  It's gotten so that I cannot walk up the stairs without gasping for air.  And, when I settle down I have a hard time regaining a good breathing pattern.  It's not my lungs, they are clear.  He believes its the murmur.  Thus, his request that I get an echo.

My legs are causing me a lot of grief.  Horrid pain mostly in my right leg.  From hip to toe.  When I get up from a sitting or laying position and try to walk it's worse and I actually feel like I have to drag that leg.  Just the motion of walking makes me weak.  So I am breathless and in pain.  Nice combo.

I've been reading all the new journal events that come my way and I feel very jealous of most of you.  Your journals are filled with joy.  Mine is filled with woe.  I wish it was different. There is nothing interesting to write about.  For my days are all the same.  I get up in the morning and each day is the same as the day before.  I have become afraid to go out. Any attempt at shopping or lunching with friends leaves me devastated because I end up sweating from my head to my waist.  I dread it that I have to get in the shower.  That simple act drains me for the entire day. After only a few moments I have to look for something to hold on to.  I guess it's time to install hand rails.

I walk with a cane.  I have a prescription for a walker but haven't gone to get one yet.  I keep thinking, what's after the walker?  A wheelchair?

I am so sorry that my entries are so bleak lately. Maybe once we get the Christmas tree and the presents are laid out underneath it my mood will improve.

Can you believe that I am going to turn 50 next year.  I think part of my somber mood is because I have lost a childhood friend.  Not by death, but by her choice.  She simply said that she has lost interest in me.  It's been almost two years since I have spoken to her.  We were born a week apart.  We should be turning 50 together, but I am left missing her.  I wonder if she ever thinks of what happened.  Or if she misses me as much as I miss her?

Our lives change.  We have no control over most of it.  I am feeling very lost and isolated.  I want so much to get myself out of feeling like this, but I just don't know how.

THANK YOU

Thank you everyone who wrote loving and encouraging comments to my last entry.  Special thanks to Guido who sent others to read and comment too. 

Thanksgiving is approaching and despite this horrid flare, I have much to be thankful for.

I have a loving, caring, encouraging and amazing hubby who loves me.  He always says.... IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

I have two amazing children who have grown into amazing young adults.

I have a mother who is my confidant and pray warrior.

And, I have loving friends both in both real life and in my cyber life.

Thank you all!

Hospital Stay

I just got out of the hospital this morning.  Went in through the ER on Wednesday evening. I asked him to drive me there.  I was having a series of seizures.  They were unlike any that I have ever had.

It was really a productive hospital stay. They took me right into the back. The security guard wheeled me right in.

My body was contorting.  Making strange movements.  Nothing they pumped into me stopped this strange movements thing from happening.  Until finally they shot me full of ativan.  After four days of observation and testing, it was determined that because of the extreme pain my body was experiencing my body couldn't take anymore and attempted to compensate by seizing.  I was aware of everything through all of this.  Apparently that is possible.  I thought differently, but was told that this was, indeed,  possible.

I was finally sedated enough to stay still long enough to get a CAT scan and other tests necessary to find out  what was going on.  My seizure med was increased again and they increased the pain patch.

I ended up tripping or something.  My right leg gave out while I was getting into bed.  I tried to avoid falling and ended up doing something to my leg.  Thank God I didn't break a hip.  They wisked me right to Xray.

I am home now and attempting to get used to this new higher dose of pain patch.   It makes me tired.  But, it does it's job.  Except for helping my right leg pain. I'll take this.  It's better than the pain I was experiencing before I went into the hospital

Hugs, LuAnne

 

 

It seems that all I do lately is complain about the way I feel.  I just can't get back to some sort of tolerable existence.  This is also affecting my mood.  I am snippy and short with people.  I am in so much pain I don't know what do to or how to deal with it.

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.   What food might this contain?  The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mouse trap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: There is a mouse trap in the house! There is a mouse trap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.   I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house! There is a mouse trap in the house!"  The pig sympathized, but  said, I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers." 
   
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"  The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound  of a mouse trap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.  The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.  

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.  

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not getwell; she died.

So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

Remember that each of us is a vital thread in another person' s tapestry.  Our lives are woven together for a reason.

One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a Friend.

Okay, try this.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=thebaabee

TIRED

I'm tired today.

Physically tired

Emotionally tired.

Tired of this illness that has caused so many changes in my life.

Tired to others telling me that everyone gets tired.

Tired of not being able to be the me I was before I got sick